J: Mom! Want to hear a joke?
Me: Um, sure.
J: Ok. So. A redhead, a brownhead and a - a - beigehead ...
Me: You mean a redhead, a brunette and a blonde?
J: Yes?
Me: Is this joke about girls?
J: No.
Me: Ok, then probably not brunette. A redhead, a blonde, and a brown-haired guy?
J: Yeah. Ok. So, they're running from the police, right? And they get to a farm, and the redhead hides behind a cow. And the brown-haired guy hides behind a sack of potatoes. And the blond hides behind a sack of potatoes. So then the police come, and go up to the cow, but the guy behind it says "moo! moo!" so they go away. Then they come up to the dog -
M: What dog? There were two sacks of potatoes.
J: Oh, no. It was a dog. So anyway, the police come up to the dog, and the guy behind the dog says "woof! woof!" so they go away. Then they come up to the sack of potatoes, and the guy behind the sack - who has the yellow hair - can't think of what a potato says, so he just says "potato! potato!"
[hysterical laughter and much repetition of Potato! Potato! ensues from the boys]
Me: That's pretty funny!
J: It's funny because in, like, olden days, they used to think that people with yellow hair weren't that smart.
Friday, November 30, 2012
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Conversation With a 9-Year-Old: Vocational Edition
J [while I'm getting ready for work]: So, what are you going to do when we live in Peru?
Me: That's the big question. We're trying to figure it out.
J: Well, you could be a daycare person.
Me: You think so?
J: Yeah, why not?
Me: I don't know .... I trained as a lawyer, I was thinking I'd try to find something related to law.
J: No reason not to try something new.
Me: I suppose you're right. I just never considered working in a daycare before.
J [encouragingly]: You could do it. You're good with kids.
Me: That's the big question. We're trying to figure it out.
J: Well, you could be a daycare person.
Me: You think so?
J: Yeah, why not?
Me: I don't know .... I trained as a lawyer, I was thinking I'd try to find something related to law.
J: No reason not to try something new.
Me: I suppose you're right. I just never considered working in a daycare before.
J [encouragingly]: You could do it. You're good with kids.
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Conversation With a 7-Year-Old: Gift Edition
[Overheard from the next room]
Nanny: Oh, good job, you're cooking.
A: I made it for you!
Nanny: Oh, okay, go eat your breakfast now.
A: But I fried this egg for you!
Nanny: For me?! Thank you!!
[I walk through as she is giving him a big hug]
A: Taste it! Taste it! Taste it! Taste it!
Nanny: Oh, esta muy rico, papi!
A [contented sigh]: The secret is ... lots of practice.
Nanny: Oh?
[I'm on my way out the door, and I hear ...]
A: Yes. I practiced lots. I wasn't always so good. Once I cracked an egg and it went down there ...
Nanny: Oh, good job, you're cooking.
A: I made it for you!
Nanny: Oh, okay, go eat your breakfast now.
A: But I fried this egg for you!
Nanny: For me?! Thank you!!
[I walk through as she is giving him a big hug]
A: Taste it! Taste it! Taste it! Taste it!
Nanny: Oh, esta muy rico, papi!
A [contented sigh]: The secret is ... lots of practice.
Nanny: Oh?
[I'm on my way out the door, and I hear ...]
A: Yes. I practiced lots. I wasn't always so good. Once I cracked an egg and it went down there ...
Conversation With a 7-Year-Old: Another Invention Edition
A: Mom, I learned something new about carrots.
Me: Really.
A: Do you agree that carrots are good for you?
Me: Yes, I do.
A: And you agree that water is good for you?
Me: Yes, I do.
A: So. D and I - he's the one that got kissed ON THE LIPS - we discovered that if you chew carrots up in your mouth, and then drink water, but keep the water in your mouth, and then chew and chew, it makes carrot water. And that is mixing together two things that are good for you, so it's *even better* for you.
J: I bet you could make carrot juice if you put carrots and water in the blender.
A: YES! And it tastes ... good ... too.
Me: Really.
A: Do you agree that carrots are good for you?
Me: Yes, I do.
A: And you agree that water is good for you?
Me: Yes, I do.
A: So. D and I - he's the one that got kissed ON THE LIPS - we discovered that if you chew carrots up in your mouth, and then drink water, but keep the water in your mouth, and then chew and chew, it makes carrot water. And that is mixing together two things that are good for you, so it's *even better* for you.
J: I bet you could make carrot juice if you put carrots and water in the blender.
A: YES! And it tastes ... good ... too.
Conversation With a 7-Year-Old: Grammar Edition
A, to J: I think you're equating "how do you know" with "how did you know".
Conversation With the Boys: Strategy Edition
A: D is the first kid in my class to get kissed ON THE LIPS.
Me: Really ....
A: Yeah. And E [a 10-year-old girl at school] threw L's hat in a puddle.
Me: That seems mean. Has E been picking on younger kids?
A: Not exactly ... she's on the other side in our war.
Me: Oh. Is everyone in the war?
A: Yeah, pretty much. The girl who kissed D ON THE LIPS is on the other side too.
J: Wait, are they lubbers?
Me: Are they what?
J [emphatically]: Love - birds. Are they lovebirds, or did she kiss him like a weapon?
A: Kind of both.
Me: Hmm.
[kettle boils in kitchen]
J: I put the kettle on for you. Would you like some tea?
Me: Sure.
[They go into the kitchen. I overhear the rest of the conversation]
J: Is E's little brother R in the war?
A: No.
J: You should get him in.
A: Oh, yeah! She wouldn't attack us if he was on our side.
J: No, tell him to join her side. Then he can report back to you on all their strategies.
Monday, November 19, 2012
Conversation With My Boys: Subtle Distinction Edition
J [while watching a musical]: Mom, have you seen Grace before?
Me: Grace who?
J: No, this show - - Grace.
Me: You mean "Grease".
J: Oh, right.
___________
A: Let's listen to that Grease music.
Me: I didn't even know you knew any Grease music.
A: Huh?
Me: Do you mean .... from the musical ...?
A: No ...
Me: Greek music? From the country Greece?
A: No, just like that bagpipe music, like they played at school on Remembrance Day. The grease music!
Me: Amazing Grace?
A: Yeah!
Me: Grace who?
J: No, this show - - Grace.
Me: You mean "Grease".
J: Oh, right.
___________
A: Let's listen to that Grease music.
Me: I didn't even know you knew any Grease music.
A: Huh?
Me: Do you mean .... from the musical ...?
A: No ...
Me: Greek music? From the country Greece?
A: No, just like that bagpipe music, like they played at school on Remembrance Day. The grease music!
Me: Amazing Grace?
A: Yeah!
Friday, November 16, 2012
Conversation With a 9-Year-Old: Pop Music Edition
[I emerge from the bathroom to discover that my son has YouTubed "Love the Way You Lie]
Me [after song ends]: Okay, if you're going to listen to Eminem, let me find you some earlier stuff.
J: No, I'm looking for something!
Me: No, it's my turn.
J: Hang on, I just want to find this one song.
[I look and he has typed "just" into the search field]
Me: If it's "Just", by Radiohead, I'll listen to that.
J: It's not.
Me: Well, it better not be Justin Bieber.
J: No! It's "Just Beat It".
Me: Oh, the name of that song is just "Beat It".
J: Right ...?
Me: I mean, just type in "Beat It".
J: Oh, okay.
Me: And now we should probably discuss the "Love the Way You Lie" video ...
Both kids [talking over each other]: Mo-ooom, we know.
Me [after song ends]: Okay, if you're going to listen to Eminem, let me find you some earlier stuff.
J: No, I'm looking for something!
Me: No, it's my turn.
J: Hang on, I just want to find this one song.
[I look and he has typed "just" into the search field]
Me: If it's "Just", by Radiohead, I'll listen to that.
J: It's not.
Me: Well, it better not be Justin Bieber.
J: No! It's "Just Beat It".
Me: Oh, the name of that song is just "Beat It".
J: Right ...?
Me: I mean, just type in "Beat It".
J: Oh, okay.
Me: And now we should probably discuss the "Love the Way You Lie" video ...
Both kids [talking over each other]: Mo-ooom, we know.
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Conversation With a 9-Year-Old: Morbidness Edition
[over the telephone]
Me: So, how'd the field trip go?
J: Good! I got a little pumpkin. It's a cute little pumpkin.
Me: Oh, good.
J: I don't want to carve it, but everyone says I have to.
Me: You really don't have to carve it if you don't want to.
J: I want to keep it, and take care of it. And then when it starts to rot, and get soft, I want to put it in a box, and close the lid. Like a little grave.
Me: You want to bury it in the garden?
J: Yes. And then when we move we can dig it up and take it with us to our new house, and bury it there.
Me: We'll see.
Conversation With a 7-Year-Old: Recipe Edition
Me: A, we need to make soup out of the leftover turkey. Could you help me with that?
A: Okay. What do you need me to do?
Me: Well, there are lots of different kinds of soup that we could make. You could help me figure out the kind of soup.
A: Well, there is one ingredient I really want to use.
Me: What's that?
A: I'll show you.
[runs to the kitchen, comes racing back with a spice jar]
A: This!
Me: Mexican chili powder?
A: Yes.
Me: You sure? Here, smell it.
A: [smells] Aaaaaaahhhh. That's what I want.
Me: Okay, so turkey chili?
A: Yep.
Me: With tomatoes and peppers and black beans?
A: Yep.
Me: And cilantro?
A: Okay.
Me: And spinach?
A: Sure!
And that's what we made.
A: Okay. What do you need me to do?
Me: Well, there are lots of different kinds of soup that we could make. You could help me figure out the kind of soup.
A: Well, there is one ingredient I really want to use.
Me: What's that?
A: I'll show you.
[runs to the kitchen, comes racing back with a spice jar]
A: This!
Me: Mexican chili powder?
A: Yes.
Me: You sure? Here, smell it.
A: [smells] Aaaaaaahhhh. That's what I want.
Me: Okay, so turkey chili?
A: Yep.
Me: With tomatoes and peppers and black beans?
A: Yep.
Me: And cilantro?
A: Okay.
Me: And spinach?
A: Sure!
And that's what we made.
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Conversation With my Husband: Pulp Fiction Edition
[We are transferring all the moose meat he brought back from up north into our freezers. The meat has been wrapped in saran wrap and has left about 2 inches of blood pooling in the cooler]
Him: Not sure what to do with all this blood.
Me: Flush it down the toilet. Then rinse out the coolers with bleach and water.
Him: Good thinking. I think I'll also hose them off outside.
[He goes off and does this]
Him: What was that ... what was Harvey called, in that ...? You know, Harvey what's his name...? [gertures vaguely in the direction of the sink, which is filled with raw meat]
Me: ...? Wolf ... Mr. Wolf? The fixer in Pulp Fiction?
Him: Yeah, what's his name?
Me: Harvey Keitel?
Him: Yeah! [nods, smiles]
Me: Wait ... are you comparing me to Harvey Keitel?
Him: In a good way - you knew what to do with all the blood!
Him: Not sure what to do with all this blood.
Me: Flush it down the toilet. Then rinse out the coolers with bleach and water.
Him: Good thinking. I think I'll also hose them off outside.
[He goes off and does this]
Him: What was that ... what was Harvey called, in that ...? You know, Harvey what's his name...? [gertures vaguely in the direction of the sink, which is filled with raw meat]
Me: ...? Wolf ... Mr. Wolf? The fixer in Pulp Fiction?
Him: Yeah, what's his name?
Me: Harvey Keitel?
Him: Yeah! [nods, smiles]
Me: Wait ... are you comparing me to Harvey Keitel?
Him: In a good way - you knew what to do with all the blood!
Saturday, October 20, 2012
Conversations With the Boys: Inigo Montoya Edition
A, after taking a bite of supper: Yum! [sticks up both thumbs]
Me: Oh, an enthusiastic two thumbs up!
A: No, I'm not being enthusiastic! I really mean it!!
--------
J: You know, no offence, but I really like Scrubs.
[later that day]
J: No offence, Mom, but could we buy some yogurt?
Me: Oh, an enthusiastic two thumbs up!
A: No, I'm not being enthusiastic! I really mean it!!
--------
J: You know, no offence, but I really like Scrubs.
[later that day]
J: No offence, Mom, but could we buy some yogurt?
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Conversation With a 7-Year-Old: Honest Abe Edition
A: You know, one thing I cannot lie about?
Me: What's that?
A: The bed is warmer than the floor!
Me: That's true. Did you sleep on the floor last night?
A: ... yes.
[short pause]
A: Beds, slippers, mittens ... these are all good inventions.
Me: What's that?
A: The bed is warmer than the floor!
Me: That's true. Did you sleep on the floor last night?
A: ... yes.
[short pause]
A: Beds, slippers, mittens ... these are all good inventions.
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Conversation With a 7-Year-Old: Terry Pratchett Edition
A: Can I read "Thud" for my class?
Me: The Discworld book?
A: Yeah.
Me: That's a long book. Maybe you could just give a review of a book you read and liked?
A: But I'm reading it!
Me: Okay ... but it's, like, the 25th book or something in a whole series. I'll get you the first one, The Colour of Magic, and you can read that first.
A: But I already read the por-loh-gyoo!
Me: The prologue?
A: Yeah, that!
Me: That's fine.
Me: The Discworld book?
A: Yeah.
Me: That's a long book. Maybe you could just give a review of a book you read and liked?
A: But I'm reading it!
Me: Okay ... but it's, like, the 25th book or something in a whole series. I'll get you the first one, The Colour of Magic, and you can read that first.
A: But I already read the por-loh-gyoo!
Me: The prologue?
A: Yeah, that!
Me: That's fine.
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Conversation With a 7-Year-Old: Appreciation Edition Part 2
A: Mom, I think - I mean, as far as I can tell from what my brain is saying - it must be pretty awesome to have a mom like you.
Me: Aw, thanks buddy!
A: No, really! It's just the calculation. Like, "mom" plus "lawyer" equals "AWESOME mom".
Me: So, you think me being a lawyer makes me awesome?
A: It's about 45% being a lawyer, and about 65% love and snuggles.
[So glad to know that the lawyer part is valued ... and that I apparently give 110%]
Me: Aw, thanks buddy!
A: No, really! It's just the calculation. Like, "mom" plus "lawyer" equals "AWESOME mom".
Me: So, you think me being a lawyer makes me awesome?
A: It's about 45% being a lawyer, and about 65% love and snuggles.
[So glad to know that the lawyer part is valued ... and that I apparently give 110%]
Conversation With a 7-Year-Old: Discovery Edition
A: Mom, L and I made a new scientific discovery! At least, we think it's a new discovery. We don't think anyone has discovered it before.
Me: Oh? What is it?
A: You know those things that you can put in your ears, and then you plug them into something, and you can hear music, but other people can't hear it?
Me: Ear buds?
A: Yeah, ear buds. We discovered that if you plug them into the ground, do you know what you can hear?
Me: What?
A: WORMS!!
Me: Really? What do you hear them doing?
A: Just, you know, slithering and stuff. Mostly slithering.
Me: Oh? What is it?
A: You know those things that you can put in your ears, and then you plug them into something, and you can hear music, but other people can't hear it?
Me: Ear buds?
A: Yeah, ear buds. We discovered that if you plug them into the ground, do you know what you can hear?
Me: What?
A: WORMS!!
Me: Really? What do you hear them doing?
A: Just, you know, slithering and stuff. Mostly slithering.
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Conversation With My Boys: Historical Fiction Edition
A: Mom, have you heard of the Angel of the Battlefield?
Me: No, I haven't.
A: I can't believe you haven't heard of the Angel of the Battlefield!!!
Me: Well, you can tell me about them ...
A: It's a she. A girl. And do you know what she would do?
Me: No.
A: She would go out into the battlefields of the Civil War - you know, the war, when the United States fought the United States? - and [starting to get a bit choked up] she would find injured soldiers and take them to a tent and cure them!
Me: That is pretty amazing.
A: No, I mean right in the war! Like, with cannons firing!! And rifles!! And she just went in there [choking up again] to save people!
Me: Did you read about this at school?
A: Yes, I read about it at school. That's the really cool thing about the Magic Treehouse books - they mix things that really happened with made up stories.
Me: I'm just impressed that you guys know what the Civil War was.
A: Um, it was, like, only the biggest civil war in one country ever. Of course we've heard of it.
J: Yeah, Mom - National Geographic?
Me: Ok, fine - it's all right for me to be impressed that you guys know so much about the Civil War. Do you know anything about the War of 1812?
J: Um .... maybe a bit?
Me: Right. We'll be remedying that.
Me: No, I haven't.
A: I can't believe you haven't heard of the Angel of the Battlefield!!!
Me: Well, you can tell me about them ...
A: It's a she. A girl. And do you know what she would do?
Me: No.
A: She would go out into the battlefields of the Civil War - you know, the war, when the United States fought the United States? - and [starting to get a bit choked up] she would find injured soldiers and take them to a tent and cure them!
Me: That is pretty amazing.
A: No, I mean right in the war! Like, with cannons firing!! And rifles!! And she just went in there [choking up again] to save people!
Me: Did you read about this at school?
A: Yes, I read about it at school. That's the really cool thing about the Magic Treehouse books - they mix things that really happened with made up stories.
Me: I'm just impressed that you guys know what the Civil War was.
A: Um, it was, like, only the biggest civil war in one country ever. Of course we've heard of it.
J: Yeah, Mom - National Geographic?
Me: Ok, fine - it's all right for me to be impressed that you guys know so much about the Civil War. Do you know anything about the War of 1812?
J: Um .... maybe a bit?
Me: Right. We'll be remedying that.
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Conversation With a 7-Year-Old: Miracles of Modern Science Edition
A: So, when I'm a DNA genius scientist, I'm going to work on inventing plants that can make you better.
Me: Did you know that a lot of medicines do come from plants?
A: Really?
Me: Yep.
A: Okay. Well, I was thinking of inventing a plant that could cure heart attacks, and tastes like chicken.
Me: If you successfully do that, you'll make a lot of people happy.
A: Yeah, I bet people would pay $20 for that.
Me: I bet they'd pay a lot more than $20 for a heart attack cure that tastes like chicken.
A: Like, $1,000?
Me: No question.
Me: Did you know that a lot of medicines do come from plants?
A: Really?
Me: Yep.
A: Okay. Well, I was thinking of inventing a plant that could cure heart attacks, and tastes like chicken.
Me: If you successfully do that, you'll make a lot of people happy.
A: Yeah, I bet people would pay $20 for that.
Me: I bet they'd pay a lot more than $20 for a heart attack cure that tastes like chicken.
A: Like, $1,000?
Me: No question.
Thursday, September 6, 2012
Conversation With an 8-Year-Old: Film Critic Edition
[I am walking the neighbour kid home]
Kid: Did you think The Hangover was good? I thought it was pretty funny.
Me: Your parents let you watch The Hangover?!
Kid: Yeah, I can watch whatever I want. J and A can't, can they?
Me: No.
Kid: Like, I bet they'd be totally freaked out if they saw Saw. I was kinda scared when I saw it.
Me: .... um. Yeah. I bet. I wouldn't watch that.
Kid: It's pretty gross.
Me: Yep. Not my style.
Kid: You don't like scary movies.
Me: I like scary movies, but not movies that are just gross. I like suspense.
Kid: I bet you'd like The Woman In Black.
Me: You see that one too?
Kid: Yeah, it was creepy.
Me: Mmm. J and A watched the trailer with me. I'll probably see it.
Kid, chuckling: Oh, man. You know what you should see? I mean, J and A probably can't handle it, but you should see Tucker and Dale vs. Evil. I think you'd really like it.
Me: Oh, okay, cool. I'll have to check it out.
Kid: It's a bit rude, and gross, but really funny.
Me: Got it.
[weeks later I see a reference to the movie in an article and actually check out the IMDB page and - darnit - the kid is right. I think I will probably enjoy it.]
Kid: Did you think The Hangover was good? I thought it was pretty funny.
Me: Your parents let you watch The Hangover?!
Kid: Yeah, I can watch whatever I want. J and A can't, can they?
Me: No.
Kid: Like, I bet they'd be totally freaked out if they saw Saw. I was kinda scared when I saw it.
Me: .... um. Yeah. I bet. I wouldn't watch that.
Kid: It's pretty gross.
Me: Yep. Not my style.
Kid: You don't like scary movies.
Me: I like scary movies, but not movies that are just gross. I like suspense.
Kid: I bet you'd like The Woman In Black.
Me: You see that one too?
Kid: Yeah, it was creepy.
Me: Mmm. J and A watched the trailer with me. I'll probably see it.
Kid, chuckling: Oh, man. You know what you should see? I mean, J and A probably can't handle it, but you should see Tucker and Dale vs. Evil. I think you'd really like it.
Me: Oh, okay, cool. I'll have to check it out.
Kid: It's a bit rude, and gross, but really funny.
Me: Got it.
[weeks later I see a reference to the movie in an article and actually check out the IMDB page and - darnit - the kid is right. I think I will probably enjoy it.]
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Conversation With a 7-Year-Old: Role Playing Edition
[I am lying in bed, trying to rest. A comes along, having invented an adventure game, in which he creates quests in a fantasy world. I get coins and gadgets (his word) that I can use to complete quests, for which I will be rewarded with more coins and prizes]
A, after explaining the game to me: So, do you want to play?
Me: Sure.
A: Okay, just let me get a pen. [goes away, comes back] I brought 2, in case the first one runs out of ink.
[...well into the game..]
A: You find a baby mammoth.
Me: Oh, should I adopt the baby mammoth?
A: Isn't it obvious? Of course! Hold on. [draws mammoth] Ok! It costs 850 coins.
Me: I have exactly 850 coins left.
A: Lucky, right?
Me: Um. If I spend all of my coins on the baby mammoth, will I run into trouble later on?
A: Um, no ... you can get more coins when you find the golden crab and return it to its home.
Me: Oh, okay. Wait. I thought I found the baby mammoth. How come now I have to pay for it?
A: You found it at a tree that sells animals.
Me: A tree. That sells animals.
A: Yep.
Me: Is it a sentient tree?
A: Yep!
Me: Do you know what sentient means?
A: Nope!
Me: Okay. It means aware and thinking. ... all right, I will buy the baby mammoth.
[...later on ...]
A: [Whistling]
Me: What's that?
A: It's the wind.
Me: Brrr. Baby mammoth and I - I'm going to call him Tusky. Tusky and I should hide out and get warm. Do I have a tent or a sleeping bag or anything?
A: No ... but you don't need them.
Me: But it's a storm!
A, chuckling: It's not a storm! It's just, like, an Antarctica place. Remember, there was all that ice in the canyon, and you have a mammoth?
Me: Right. So we're warm enough?
A: Well, I think you know what your mammoth can do.
Me: ?
A: Isn't it obvious? He's shedding! You can use his fur to make a pillow.
Me: Right, obvious.
[...and even later...]
A: Okay, now you come to a beach. There's something about this beach.
Me, half asleep by now: Oh, I don't like the looks of this beach.
A: What? No! There's something good on the beach!
Me: Oh! Right! The golden crab!
A: Right.
Me: Do I have to catch it?
A: Obviously!
Me: Okay. I will make a net from the fur Tusky sheds. Have I seen the crab yet?
A: No, you have to find it.
Me: Can I hunt it? Does it leave footprints?
A: It's claws are gold, like, made of gold, so they're so heavy it can't lift them. So it drags them.
Me: Oh. Makes sense.
A: You see snail tracks. I mean, what LOOK like snail tracks.
Me: Okay, I follow the tracks. I see the crab! I throw the net!
A: You miss. He's too fast.
Me: With solid gold claws he can't even lift?
A: Well, he's just really small.
[I start to drift back off to sleep]
A: Okay! You caught him!
Me: Woot. What did I win?
A, chortling: No, no, you have to get him to his home first.
Me: Oooooh.
A: You look around. There is wood all over the beach. I think you know what to do next.
Me: Build a fire?
J, who has recently entered: No, you build a shelter!
A: No, a raft. Obviously.
Me: I think you need to cut back on your use of "obviously".
J: I think a shelter makes more sense.
Me: J, you're not the DM. A, I need to cross the water?
A: Yes, the golden crab lives across the water.
Me: Okay, I build a raft, lashing the pieces together with more of Tusky's fur.
A: Tusky is getting a little bald spot. You should put him in your backpack to keep warm.
Me: Okay.
[... I drift in and out of sleep...]
A: The mammoth keeps watch in the crow's nest.
Me: I built a raft with a crow's nest?
A: Yes!
Me: Wow. I'm good at building rafts.
J: It even has an elevator to get the mammoth up and down safely.
A: You're pretty much the best raft builder ever.
[And then I got the golden crab home safely and was rewarded with 500 coins and a laser sword. So, you know, regular Tuesday]
A, after explaining the game to me: So, do you want to play?
Me: Sure.
A: Okay, just let me get a pen. [goes away, comes back] I brought 2, in case the first one runs out of ink.
[...well into the game..]
A: You find a baby mammoth.
Me: Oh, should I adopt the baby mammoth?
A: Isn't it obvious? Of course! Hold on. [draws mammoth] Ok! It costs 850 coins.
Me: I have exactly 850 coins left.
A: Lucky, right?
Me: Um. If I spend all of my coins on the baby mammoth, will I run into trouble later on?
A: Um, no ... you can get more coins when you find the golden crab and return it to its home.
Me: Oh, okay. Wait. I thought I found the baby mammoth. How come now I have to pay for it?
A: You found it at a tree that sells animals.
Me: A tree. That sells animals.
A: Yep.
Me: Is it a sentient tree?
A: Yep!
Me: Do you know what sentient means?
A: Nope!
Me: Okay. It means aware and thinking. ... all right, I will buy the baby mammoth.
[...later on ...]
A: [Whistling]
Me: What's that?
A: It's the wind.
Me: Brrr. Baby mammoth and I - I'm going to call him Tusky. Tusky and I should hide out and get warm. Do I have a tent or a sleeping bag or anything?
A: No ... but you don't need them.
Me: But it's a storm!
A, chuckling: It's not a storm! It's just, like, an Antarctica place. Remember, there was all that ice in the canyon, and you have a mammoth?
Me: Right. So we're warm enough?
A: Well, I think you know what your mammoth can do.
Me: ?
A: Isn't it obvious? He's shedding! You can use his fur to make a pillow.
Me: Right, obvious.
[...and even later...]
A: Okay, now you come to a beach. There's something about this beach.
Me, half asleep by now: Oh, I don't like the looks of this beach.
A: What? No! There's something good on the beach!
Me: Oh! Right! The golden crab!
A: Right.
Me: Do I have to catch it?
A: Obviously!
Me: Okay. I will make a net from the fur Tusky sheds. Have I seen the crab yet?
A: No, you have to find it.
Me: Can I hunt it? Does it leave footprints?
A: It's claws are gold, like, made of gold, so they're so heavy it can't lift them. So it drags them.
Me: Oh. Makes sense.
A: You see snail tracks. I mean, what LOOK like snail tracks.
Me: Okay, I follow the tracks. I see the crab! I throw the net!
A: You miss. He's too fast.
Me: With solid gold claws he can't even lift?
A: Well, he's just really small.
[I start to drift back off to sleep]
A: Okay! You caught him!
Me: Woot. What did I win?
A, chortling: No, no, you have to get him to his home first.
Me: Oooooh.
A: You look around. There is wood all over the beach. I think you know what to do next.
Me: Build a fire?
J, who has recently entered: No, you build a shelter!
A: No, a raft. Obviously.
Me: I think you need to cut back on your use of "obviously".
J: I think a shelter makes more sense.
Me: J, you're not the DM. A, I need to cross the water?
A: Yes, the golden crab lives across the water.
Me: Okay, I build a raft, lashing the pieces together with more of Tusky's fur.
A: Tusky is getting a little bald spot. You should put him in your backpack to keep warm.
Me: Okay.
[... I drift in and out of sleep...]
A: The mammoth keeps watch in the crow's nest.
Me: I built a raft with a crow's nest?
A: Yes!
Me: Wow. I'm good at building rafts.
J: It even has an elevator to get the mammoth up and down safely.
A: You're pretty much the best raft builder ever.
[And then I got the golden crab home safely and was rewarded with 500 coins and a laser sword. So, you know, regular Tuesday]
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Conversation With a 7-Year-Old: Look Sharp Edition
Me [after combing A's hair before the first day of school]: Lookin' sharp, kid.
A: I might look sharp, but what's even sharper is my MIND!
A: I might look sharp, but what's even sharper is my MIND!
Conversation With a 7-Year-Old: Maturity Edition
Me: A, I know you're angry with me, but I don't know why. We can't fix it unless you tell me what's up.
A: No, it's okay, but it's not something that needs to be fixed. It was just something you said, and I feel upset about it, but I don't want to tell you, and I'll get over it.
Me: I am actually totally okay with that. Shake on it?
A: Yep. [shakes hand]
A: No, it's okay, but it's not something that needs to be fixed. It was just something you said, and I feel upset about it, but I don't want to tell you, and I'll get over it.
Me: I am actually totally okay with that. Shake on it?
A: Yep. [shakes hand]
Friday, August 31, 2012
Conversation With a 7-Year-Old: Waxing Rhapsodic Edition
A [coming into the house at dinnertime]: Oh, that smells amazing!! That food smells so amazing! It smells so good, I might faint!
[enters dining room]
A: Rice?!? We get to have rice? Rice is my favourite!!
[Think he oversold it?]
[enters dining room]
A: Rice?!? We get to have rice? Rice is my favourite!!
[Think he oversold it?]
Conversation With a 7-Year-Old: Recommendation Edition
Nanny: Oh, I see you're reading. What's the book?
A: It's Geronimo Stilton.
Nanny: Oh, very nice.
A: You know ... if you happen to have some free time, it's a pretty funny book!
Nanny: Oh, good.
A: No, I mean, like if YOU had some free time. It's not just a book for kids. [drops voice to conspiratorial whisper] Some grown ups really like it, too.
Nanny: Oh, yes?
A: Yeah! So you could read it.
A: It's Geronimo Stilton.
Nanny: Oh, very nice.
A: You know ... if you happen to have some free time, it's a pretty funny book!
Nanny: Oh, good.
A: No, I mean, like if YOU had some free time. It's not just a book for kids. [drops voice to conspiratorial whisper] Some grown ups really like it, too.
Nanny: Oh, yes?
A: Yeah! So you could read it.
Conversation With a 9-Year-Old: Fashion Advice Edition
Me: What do you think of this top?
J: It's fine ... but I think it's more a top for wearing at home.
Me: You don't think I should wear this top outside the house?!
J: No, just that ... you know, it's a good top for sleeping in.
Me: You think I should sleep in it.
J: No, I mean for DAYS when you can sleep in. Then you just get up, put that top on, you're comfortable ...
Me: Oh, it's a better top for relaxing days.
J: Yeah!
Me: Not such a good top for going-to-the-office days?
J: Yeah.
Me: I agree.
J: It's fine ... but I think it's more a top for wearing at home.
Me: You don't think I should wear this top outside the house?!
J: No, just that ... you know, it's a good top for sleeping in.
Me: You think I should sleep in it.
J: No, I mean for DAYS when you can sleep in. Then you just get up, put that top on, you're comfortable ...
Me: Oh, it's a better top for relaxing days.
J: Yeah!
Me: Not such a good top for going-to-the-office days?
J: Yeah.
Me: I agree.
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Conversation With a 9-Year-Old: Earworm Edition
J: I am never going to the PNE again!
Me: Why not?
J: Because one of the rides was playing that Barbie Girl song.
Me: J, we were at the PNE over a week ago.
J: I KNOW!! I can't get it out of my head!! I've tried singing other songs, daydreaming a bit ... it just. keeps. coming. back.
Me: No kidding. I thought it had died a long, long time ago.
Me: Why not?
J: Because one of the rides was playing that Barbie Girl song.
Me: J, we were at the PNE over a week ago.
J: I KNOW!! I can't get it out of my head!! I've tried singing other songs, daydreaming a bit ... it just. keeps. coming. back.
Me: No kidding. I thought it had died a long, long time ago.
Conversation With a 7-Year-Old: Side Effect Edition
[I wake up at 3:50 am to a whole lot of bed hair in my face, as A snuggles in beside me]
A: Can I sleep with you? I had a nightmare.
Me: About what?
A: DNA.
[the next morning]
Me: So, this DNA nightmare.
A: I don't want to talk about it! It's too scary!
Me: Okay, I get that. But - - were there dinosaurs?
A: No, it was about the DNA in blood. It was really creepy.
A: Can I sleep with you? I had a nightmare.
Me: About what?
A: DNA.
[the next morning]
Me: So, this DNA nightmare.
A: I don't want to talk about it! It's too scary!
Me: Okay, I get that. But - - were there dinosaurs?
A: No, it was about the DNA in blood. It was really creepy.
Conversation With a 7-Year-Old: Aspirations Edition #2
A, to random kid on the playground: When I grow up, I'm going to be a DNA inventor. No! A DNA genius!!
Conversation With a 7-Year-Old: Aspirations Edition
A: Guys, I reeeeallly want to be an inventor! Like, so much!!
Dad: Well, that's good, you could do that. You'd have to work hard in school, and probably go to university. Lots of inventors work making new kinds of machines and things.
A: Like Leonardo da Vinci.
Dad: Yes, Leonardo da Vinci was a pretty amazing inventor.
A: I think I want to be an even better inventor than Leonardo da Vinci.
Dad: Well, you can certainly try for that.
A: Because you know what Leonardo da Vinci never invented? Animals.
Me: And you want to invent new animals?
A: Yeah, making new DNA!
Me: Well, you know, there's a whole lot of scientists out there that do exactly that. They work with animals, making changes to DNA, mostly to help with medical science. There's a pretty famous court case called the Harvard mouse case, involving a new kind of mouse.
Dad: That the lawyers found a way to make money on.
Me: Hey!
Dad: Well, that's good, you could do that. You'd have to work hard in school, and probably go to university. Lots of inventors work making new kinds of machines and things.
A: Like Leonardo da Vinci.
Dad: Yes, Leonardo da Vinci was a pretty amazing inventor.
A: I think I want to be an even better inventor than Leonardo da Vinci.
Dad: Well, you can certainly try for that.
A: Because you know what Leonardo da Vinci never invented? Animals.
Me: And you want to invent new animals?
A: Yeah, making new DNA!
Me: Well, you know, there's a whole lot of scientists out there that do exactly that. They work with animals, making changes to DNA, mostly to help with medical science. There's a pretty famous court case called the Harvard mouse case, involving a new kind of mouse.
Dad: That the lawyers found a way to make money on.
Me: Hey!
Conversation With a 7-Year-Old: Growing Obsession Edition
A: So. DNA. I think there should be a computer game where you get to move DNA around, and make new animals.
Me: We can check and see if there are some DNA-themed games out there, but I think it's complicated enough that any game wouldn't be a very accurate depiction of how DNA works.
A: And you know what I want my birthday party to be next year?
Me: DNA themed?
A: OBVIOUSLY!!
Me: We can check and see if there are some DNA-themed games out there, but I think it's complicated enough that any game wouldn't be a very accurate depiction of how DNA works.
A: And you know what I want my birthday party to be next year?
Me: DNA themed?
A: OBVIOUSLY!!
Conversation With a 7-Year-Old: Genetics Edition
A: So, do you think there could ever be a new DNA?
Me: I think there is new DNA all the time. DNA is really complicated, and when animals reproduce, changes to DNA can happen. It's called genetic mutation.
A: Mutation? Really?
Me: Yup - I think it's where all kinds of things about people, like different hair and eye colours, come from.
A: But, could you use DNA to make a new animal?
Dad: I think they're trying that with a frozen mammoth they found, actually.
A: Could they make dinosaurs?
Dad: Well, I guess in theory. There's a movie about that, you know, called Jurassic Park.
A: And in Jurassic Park, they use DNA to make new animals? I've got to see that movie.
Me: I think there is new DNA all the time. DNA is really complicated, and when animals reproduce, changes to DNA can happen. It's called genetic mutation.
A: Mutation? Really?
Me: Yup - I think it's where all kinds of things about people, like different hair and eye colours, come from.
A: But, could you use DNA to make a new animal?
Dad: I think they're trying that with a frozen mammoth they found, actually.
A: Could they make dinosaurs?
Dad: Well, I guess in theory. There's a movie about that, you know, called Jurassic Park.
A: And in Jurassic Park, they use DNA to make new animals? I've got to see that movie.
Monday, August 27, 2012
Conversation With a 7-Year-Old: Inspiration Edition
[Note: this post begins a series with respect to the 7-year-old's newfound passion]
A: Do you think there could ever be a new DNA?
Me: I am not sure, but I think there's new DNA all the time.
A: Well, when we were in Manitoba, I think I saw one. A new DNA. I mean, a caterpiller with a new kind of DNA. Because it had all these long hairs. I don't think anyone has ever seen one before.
Me: Interesting.
A: But do you think there could be new DNA? Maybe I could make new DNA!
A: Do you think there could ever be a new DNA?
Me: I am not sure, but I think there's new DNA all the time.
A: Well, when we were in Manitoba, I think I saw one. A new DNA. I mean, a caterpiller with a new kind of DNA. Because it had all these long hairs. I don't think anyone has ever seen one before.
Me: Interesting.
A: But do you think there could be new DNA? Maybe I could make new DNA!
Conversation With a 9-Year-Old: Barney Stinson Edition
J: Hey, Mom! You know what's the best milk in the Pokemon universe?
Me: No, what?
J: Milk that is legen-DAIRY!
[Note: He has never seen How I Met Your Mother]
Me: No, what?
J: Milk that is legen-DAIRY!
[Note: He has never seen How I Met Your Mother]
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Moment With a 9-Year-Old: Caregiver Edition
This morning, J walked me to the door, brought me fresh tissues for my runny nose, tucked them into my pocket, and buttoned up my coat. Then he walked me to the end of the lane to bid me farewell.
Conversation With a 7-Year-Old: Environmentalist Edition
A [after learning part of the forest would be cut down to build houses]: You guys, I'm not like other kids. I want to work to protect nature. Because you know what? Nature ... is love. That's right, nature is love. And you can only destroy nature. You can never create it. You can plant things after you destroy them, but that's not creating nature. Only nature can create nature!
Conversation With a 9-Year-Old: Pop Culture Edition
J: Mom, what are "Simpsons"?
Me: You mean you don't know?
J: Just tell me!
Me: The Simpsons is a cartoon, that's been on TV for a long time.
[And then I thought, "wow! Finally, a pop culture reference he hasn't been bombarded with! We must be doing something right!"
That thought was immediately replaced by the notion that the fact that he's asking the question at all suggests that the correct answer is "no longer relevant"]
Me: You mean you don't know?
J: Just tell me!
Me: The Simpsons is a cartoon, that's been on TV for a long time.
[And then I thought, "wow! Finally, a pop culture reference he hasn't been bombarded with! We must be doing something right!"
That thought was immediately replaced by the notion that the fact that he's asking the question at all suggests that the correct answer is "no longer relevant"]
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Conversation With a 7-Year-Old: Technicality Edition
A: And I was shy to say hi to my classmate on the bus. Don't tell Dad!
Me: Was the classmate a girl?
A: Yes.
Me: Was it C?
A: Nooo!! C is Chinese, and this classmate speaks Spanish!
Me: Ah.
A: And you know, Peru and China are ... no, what is that other country where they speak Spanish?
Me: Chile? [there are a lot of Chilean kids at his school]
A: Yeah. Chile. Chile and China are, like, really far.
Me: Yep, they're both far away.
A: I mean from each other.
Me: That too.
A [conceding the point]: Well. They are far away from Canada too. And from Gerbil Land! Do you know where Gerbil Land is?
Me: Over there? [pointing at the gerbil cage]
A: No, I mean where they're from. Mongolia.
Me: Well, Mongolia is right next to China, actually.
A: No, I mean where their DNA is from. Originally.
Me: Yeah, Mongolia, which is right beside China.
A: But when their DNA began, it wasn't China, was it??
Me: Oh, I see. Probably not.
A: Right. Actually, China is so far away from where Gerbil Land was, originally, that it didn't even exist yet!
Conversation With a 9-Year-Old: Unconditional Love Edition
J: Mom?
Me: Yes?
J: I love you.
Me: Oh, sweetie, I love you too.
J: You didn't have to say it back. I just wanted to tell you how I felt.
Me: Yes?
J: I love you.
Me: Oh, sweetie, I love you too.
J: You didn't have to say it back. I just wanted to tell you how I felt.
Conversation With a 7-Year-Old: Wordplay Edition
Me: Okay, I'm off. Have a good day!
A: My goal is to always preserve the ice.
Me: Huh?
A: Like, even if there are two spaces, I put more water in.
Me: Oh, you always refill the ice tray? Good job.
A: And it's cool, because then some water goes over the ice that is already in there, and it makes new ice, and then when you take out a square later, when you put it in your drink, it cracks where the new water went.
Me: So it's like a science experiment?
A: Right! [slow, mischievous grin spreads across his face] But the other fun thing to make is ... MICE!!
Me: Huh?
A: Do you know what "mice" is?
Me: No, tell me.
A: It's [raises one palm] milk, that you freeze into [raises other palm] ice. Milk-Ice. Mice!
Me: That's awesome. Ok, I should go to work. Have a good day. Make some mice!
A: Oh, I already did that. You have a good day too.
A: My goal is to always preserve the ice.
Me: Huh?
A: Like, even if there are two spaces, I put more water in.
Me: Oh, you always refill the ice tray? Good job.
A: And it's cool, because then some water goes over the ice that is already in there, and it makes new ice, and then when you take out a square later, when you put it in your drink, it cracks where the new water went.
Me: So it's like a science experiment?
A: Right! [slow, mischievous grin spreads across his face] But the other fun thing to make is ... MICE!!
Me: Huh?
A: Do you know what "mice" is?
Me: No, tell me.
A: It's [raises one palm] milk, that you freeze into [raises other palm] ice. Milk-Ice. Mice!
Me: That's awesome. Ok, I should go to work. Have a good day. Make some mice!
A: Oh, I already did that. You have a good day too.
Conversation With the Boys: Optimism Edition
[Dad tells the kids a story about people finding happy moments in bad circumstances, and describes people having rubber duck races in the middle of flooding in China]
Dad: So, sometimes, you have to sort of see the rubber ducky in the situation.
A: But sometimes, the rubber ducky is tied up. And, like, you have to work really hard to get to it, and then work really hard because it's tied up.
Me: Do you sometimes find it hard to get happy about something?
A: Yes, but I can work hard to unleash the ducky!!
["Unleash the ducky" has become a new synonym for "look on the bright side" in our house]
Dad: So, sometimes, you have to sort of see the rubber ducky in the situation.
A: But sometimes, the rubber ducky is tied up. And, like, you have to work really hard to get to it, and then work really hard because it's tied up.
Me: Do you sometimes find it hard to get happy about something?
A: Yes, but I can work hard to unleash the ducky!!
["Unleash the ducky" has become a new synonym for "look on the bright side" in our house]
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Conversation With the Boys: Empathy Edition
[I was having a rough day]
J: Mom, are you okay?
Me: Not really.
J: What's wrong?
Me: Do you ever feel sad, but you don't know why you feel sad, so you can't fix it?
J: Yeah.
Me: That's how I'm feeling.
J: Why?
Me (smiling a bit): I just said I don't know why!
J: Oh, right.
[A comes in]
A: What are you guys talking about?
Me: Do you ever get sad, but you don't know why you're sad?
A: Yeah.
Me: That's how I feel right now.
A: Why?
J: She just told you she doesn't KNOW why.
Me: Yeah, so I think I'm going to lie down for a bit.
J: Do you want us to rub your shoulders?
Me: No ... I just need some down time.
J: We could put on some Buffy and I could bring you a glass of wine.
Me: I think I'd like that.
J: Mom, are you okay?
Me: Not really.
J: What's wrong?
Me: Do you ever feel sad, but you don't know why you feel sad, so you can't fix it?
J: Yeah.
Me: That's how I'm feeling.
J: Why?
Me (smiling a bit): I just said I don't know why!
J: Oh, right.
[A comes in]
A: What are you guys talking about?
Me: Do you ever get sad, but you don't know why you're sad?
A: Yeah.
Me: That's how I feel right now.
A: Why?
J: She just told you she doesn't KNOW why.
Me: Yeah, so I think I'm going to lie down for a bit.
J: Do you want us to rub your shoulders?
Me: No ... I just need some down time.
J: We could put on some Buffy and I could bring you a glass of wine.
Me: I think I'd like that.
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Conversation With a 7-Year-Old: Social Media Edition
[I have, within the past 24 hours, acquired a Twitter account. I am sitting at my computer, figuring it out]
A (looking over my shoulder): Oh - is that tweeter? Are you tweeting now?
Me: How do you know about Twitter?
A: I just know.
A (looking over my shoulder): Oh - is that tweeter? Are you tweeting now?
Me: How do you know about Twitter?
A: I just know.
Saturday, August 11, 2012
Memory Lane: Dreaming Edition
J [aged 4, singing]:
There's diamonds everywhere
rainbows in the air
rainbows and diamonds too
I love you
and I love you
Me: Oh, did you make that up?
J: I heard it when I was in your tummy, and just dreaming and dreaming and dreaming!
There's diamonds everywhere
rainbows in the air
rainbows and diamonds too
I love you
and I love you
Me: Oh, did you make that up?
J: I heard it when I was in your tummy, and just dreaming and dreaming and dreaming!
Memory Lane: Duet Edition
J [aged 4]: Spiderman, spiderman! Itza, itza spiderman!
A [aged 2]: Eee-Iiii, Eeee-Iiii Oooo!
J: NO! Spiderman, spiderman --
A: E-I, E-I O!!
A [aged 2]: Eee-Iiii, Eeee-Iiii Oooo!
J: NO! Spiderman, spiderman --
A: E-I, E-I O!!
Memory Lane: Perspective Edition
J [aged 4]: Mom, some day, we will move to a different new house, and then this will be our old house. Like our house in Peru is our old house now.
Memory Lane: Metamorphosis Edition
J [aged 4, at the aquarium]: Mom! Those butterflies come out of capullos! (cups hands like a cocoon)
Me: Really? How do they get into the capullos?
J [leaning in conspiratorially]: cat-er-pill-ers!
Me: Really? How do they get into the capullos?
J [leaning in conspiratorially]: cat-er-pill-ers!
Memory Lane: I Wish I Was Never Born! Him Either! Edition
[Kids are 4 and 2, and we are driving home from the aquarium. J is in a foul temper]
J: Mom, why you wanted to grow two babies?
Me: I wanted you to have a baby brother or sister so you wouldn't get lonely.
Dad: How many do you think we should have had, J?
J [starkly]: Zero.
J: Mom, why you wanted to grow two babies?
Me: I wanted you to have a baby brother or sister so you wouldn't get lonely.
Dad: How many do you think we should have had, J?
J [starkly]: Zero.
Memory Lane: Heartbreak Edition
J [aged 4]: Mom, you made me in your tummy?
Me: Yes.
J [hesitantly and politely]: And ... Mom? You just want to make me with one ear not hear good?
[I did my best to explain that mothers don't control how babies grow, or what goes into making them who they are at that stage, and that we had no more control over ears than we did over eye colour or whether they were a boy or a girl, which he found very funny]
Me: Yes.
J [hesitantly and politely]: And ... Mom? You just want to make me with one ear not hear good?
[I did my best to explain that mothers don't control how babies grow, or what goes into making them who they are at that stage, and that we had no more control over ears than we did over eye colour or whether they were a boy or a girl, which he found very funny]
Memory Lane: Damage Control Edition
J (aged 4): Dammit!
Me: Oh, sweetie. We shouldn't say that word. That's not a nice word to say. I know you might have heard me say it before, but I shouldn't say it and neither should you.
[days pass]
Me: Guys, be careful with that toy, or you could damage it.
J: Mom! You no say "dammit"!!
Me: No, I said "damage". It means to break or hurt something.
[the next day]
J: Dammit!
Me: Hey, what did we talk about.
J: No, Mom, I just say "damage".
Me: Oh, sweetie. We shouldn't say that word. That's not a nice word to say. I know you might have heard me say it before, but I shouldn't say it and neither should you.
[days pass]
Me: Guys, be careful with that toy, or you could damage it.
J: Mom! You no say "dammit"!!
Me: No, I said "damage". It means to break or hurt something.
[the next day]
J: Dammit!
Me: Hey, what did we talk about.
J: No, Mom, I just say "damage".
Memory Lane: Representation Edition
(A, aged 2, is pointing at his sippy cup and and saying something unintelligible.)
Me: Si! Es un leon ("yes! It's a lion.")
A: No es leon. Es di-BOO-oh!
Me: Es dibujo? ("it's a drawing?")
A: Si!
Me: Si! Es un leon ("yes! It's a lion.")
A: No es leon. Es di-BOO-oh!
Me: Es dibujo? ("it's a drawing?")
A: Si!
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
Memory Lane: How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away? Edition
[6:00 am, I awaken to an enormous pair of blue eyes staring seriously into mine.]
J: Mom!
Me: Mrph?
J: Why you come back from your trip?
Me: Well, sweetie, because we missed you.
J: Yeah, I miss you too. When you go another trip?
Me: Um, I don't know ...
J: When you come back your next trip, you gonna bring me FOUR presents!
Me: Um, no, we'll probably bring you just one present, just like this time.
J [triumphantly, as though playing a trump card]: No! You gonna bring me FOUR, because I FOUR years old!
Me: Well, that's certainly some kind of logic.
J: Mom!
Me: Mrph?
J: Why you come back from your trip?
Me: Well, sweetie, because we missed you.
J: Yeah, I miss you too. When you go another trip?
Me: Um, I don't know ...
J: When you come back your next trip, you gonna bring me FOUR presents!
Me: Um, no, we'll probably bring you just one present, just like this time.
J [triumphantly, as though playing a trump card]: No! You gonna bring me FOUR, because I FOUR years old!
Me: Well, that's certainly some kind of logic.
Memory Lane: Learning to Talk Edition
A's first words and phrases, at about a year of age:
"Agua!"
"Vaca!" (cow)
"Oh maaaan!"
"Mapa!" (the map, on Dora the Explorer)
"Esto es de Alit!" (This is Alec's)
"Ya esta!" (all done, or there you go)
"Horse."
"Ey-UUUV-ooo!" (I love you)
"Agua!"
"Vaca!" (cow)
"Oh maaaan!"
"Mapa!" (the map, on Dora the Explorer)
"Esto es de Alit!" (This is Alec's)
"Ya esta!" (all done, or there you go)
"Horse."
"Ey-UUUV-ooo!" (I love you)
Memory Lane: Grace Edition
J [almost 4 years old, at Christmas Dinner]: Wait! We have to say the thing first! [Stands up on his chair]
Time for eat! Time for drink!
Time for eat! Time for drink!
All done!
Time for eat! Time for drink!
Time for eat! Time for drink!
All done!
Memory Lane: J's Early Gourmand Days #2
[I had made osso bucco, and the 3-year-old was not interested in supper]
Me: J! Come look what's on my plate! It's amazing! You won't believe it!
J (trots over - I give him my fork and tell him to tap the bone): It a BONE?
Me: Yep.
[I scooped some marrow out of the bone]
J: What that?
Me: That's called 'marrow'. It grows inside bones.
J: It for eating?
Me: Definitely.
J: I try it!
[and then he ate everyone's marrow, and when all the marrow was gone, he whined and tried to convince me to make more immediately]
Me: J! Come look what's on my plate! It's amazing! You won't believe it!
J (trots over - I give him my fork and tell him to tap the bone): It a BONE?
Me: Yep.
[I scooped some marrow out of the bone]
J: What that?
Me: That's called 'marrow'. It grows inside bones.
J: It for eating?
Me: Definitely.
J: I try it!
[and then he ate everyone's marrow, and when all the marrow was gone, he whined and tried to convince me to make more immediately]
Memory Lane: J's Early Gourmand Days
Me: What do you want for supper?
J (aged 3): sushi!
Me: What do you want in the sushi?
J: Olives!
J (aged 3): sushi!
Me: What do you want in the sushi?
J: Olives!
Memory Lane: Persistence Edition
J had a speech delay and some problems with clarity of speech as a small child. He did speech therapy from age 2 - 3, but that stopped when we moved to Peru. What follows is a recounting of his efforts to communicate something to his parents when he was about 3 years and 2 months old:
Last night, J was trying to tell his dad something in the bathroom. Apparently, when Dad didn't understand, J said, "you no understand. We go tell Mom, Mom understand." But I didn't, right away, because he kept talking about something that sounded like 'tawrl'. So he said, "remember, that day, we go in the car, with the girls, the ladies, and we walking, that other day, and we go one tawrl, another one tawrl, another one tawrl? That other day? Remember that? With the one two ladies?" This went on for a good 5-10 minutes. And, eventually, I did remember that the day before we had gone in the car with the woman from the company and the nanny, and we had gone to three schools. And when I got it, he said, "yeah, that what I trying to tell you today in the van with the grandmas, remember that?" Because he had been trying to tell them about visiting the schools, and none of us understood what he was saying. So we worked a bit on his pronunciation of schools, but mostly I was just amazed at how patiently he explained and elaborated until we got what he was talking about.
Last night, J was trying to tell his dad something in the bathroom. Apparently, when Dad didn't understand, J said, "you no understand. We go tell Mom, Mom understand." But I didn't, right away, because he kept talking about something that sounded like 'tawrl'. So he said, "remember, that day, we go in the car, with the girls, the ladies, and we walking, that other day, and we go one tawrl, another one tawrl, another one tawrl? That other day? Remember that? With the one two ladies?" This went on for a good 5-10 minutes. And, eventually, I did remember that the day before we had gone in the car with the woman from the company and the nanny, and we had gone to three schools. And when I got it, he said, "yeah, that what I trying to tell you today in the van with the grandmas, remember that?" Because he had been trying to tell them about visiting the schools, and none of us understood what he was saying. So we worked a bit on his pronunciation of schools, but mostly I was just amazed at how patiently he explained and elaborated until we got what he was talking about.
Memory Lane: Misunderstanding Edition
J (aged 3, in Peru): This milk lucky!
Me: Oh, that's nice.
J (angrily): No! Lucky milk!
[a great deal of exasperated toddler explaining follows]
Me: Ooooh, it's yucky?
J: Yeah! Lucky milk.
Me: Oh, that's nice.
J (angrily): No! Lucky milk!
[a great deal of exasperated toddler explaining follows]
Me: Ooooh, it's yucky?
J: Yeah! Lucky milk.
Memory Lane: The Style To Which He's Become Accustomed Edition
I have decided to reproduce blog entries from my previous blogs, in which I quoted the kids, in order to have all the quotes in one place.
J, aged 3, entering economy class after having flown once in business class: Mom! These seats too small!
Me: There is no business class on this plane.
J: Well, that okay.
J, aged 3, entering economy class after having flown once in business class: Mom! These seats too small!
Me: There is no business class on this plane.
J: Well, that okay.
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Conversation With a 7-Year-Old: Onion Edition
Me: What do you want for lunch?
A: Can I have that bread thing? That's like a bread, but made with eggs?
Me: ...?
A: An omelette?
Me: Sure, you can have an omelette. I'll put in some meat, okay? And some cheese and veggies. Do you want some peppers and zucchini?
A: No! But can I have ... what are those green things that I was eating at Grandma's all the time, from the garden? Not peppers, but ...
Me: Green onions?
A: Yep.
Me: We don't have green onions, but I could fry up a regular onion and some garlic to put in. And maybe some broccoli?
A: Okay.
My Mom: Boy, there aren't many kids your age that like onions so much.
A: But onions are precious!
Me: Onions are precious?
A: Yes! [singing, to the tune of Yankee Doodle Dandy]: Onions are so precious, they're little and they're cute! They are really yu-uh-mmy ...
A: Can I have that bread thing? That's like a bread, but made with eggs?
Me: ...?
A: An omelette?
Me: Sure, you can have an omelette. I'll put in some meat, okay? And some cheese and veggies. Do you want some peppers and zucchini?
A: No! But can I have ... what are those green things that I was eating at Grandma's all the time, from the garden? Not peppers, but ...
Me: Green onions?
A: Yep.
Me: We don't have green onions, but I could fry up a regular onion and some garlic to put in. And maybe some broccoli?
A: Okay.
My Mom: Boy, there aren't many kids your age that like onions so much.
A: But onions are precious!
Me: Onions are precious?
A: Yes! [singing, to the tune of Yankee Doodle Dandy]: Onions are so precious, they're little and they're cute! They are really yu-uh-mmy ...
Conversation With a 7-Year-Old: Venom Edition
A: You know, poisonous animals use their poison for different things.
Me: Really?
A: Yep. They can use poison to paralyze their prey, or to kill.
Me: Interesting.
A: A scorpion has lots of poison. Like, there's one kind of scorpion that can paralyze people, if it stings you.
Grandmother: Really?
A: Yes. It can sting up to 50 people. I mean, up to 50 people per day.
Grandmother: So, if it wants to sting 51 people, what happens?
A: It can't. Up to 50. In one day.
Me: Really?
A: Yep. They can use poison to paralyze their prey, or to kill.
Me: Interesting.
A: A scorpion has lots of poison. Like, there's one kind of scorpion that can paralyze people, if it stings you.
Grandmother: Really?
A: Yes. It can sting up to 50 people. I mean, up to 50 people per day.
Grandmother: So, if it wants to sting 51 people, what happens?
A: It can't. Up to 50. In one day.
Monday, July 30, 2012
Conversation With a 7-Year-Old: Ladies Edition
A, to his squabbling cousins aged 4 and 5: Girls, stop it. You know I hate it when you two fight.
Conversation With a 7-Year-Old: Well Read Edition
A, from the back seat of the car: Mom, what's a 'telly'?
Me: Oh, that's English slang for television. We say TV, they say telly.
A: Ok, that means that Matilda's dad didn't think she needed books because she could watch their telly.
Me: That's right.
A: But you know what I like even more than the telly?
Me: What's that?
A: The BRAIN telly. Know what the brain telly is?
Me: What?
A: It's what you see in your head when you read books. It's more real.
Me: Oh, that's English slang for television. We say TV, they say telly.
A: Ok, that means that Matilda's dad didn't think she needed books because she could watch their telly.
Me: That's right.
A: But you know what I like even more than the telly?
Me: What's that?
A: The BRAIN telly. Know what the brain telly is?
Me: What?
A: It's what you see in your head when you read books. It's more real.
Conversation With a 7-Year-Old: Animal Husbandry Edition
A, on the phone to his Dad, who is on gerbil duty: I have one more question for you. Well, it’s not really a
question. It’s “if you see lots of gerbil poop, you have healthy gerbils.”
Monday, June 18, 2012
Conversation With a 7-Year-Old: Calendar Edition
A: So ... right now ... it's June.
Me: Yep, June 18.
A: Soon it will be .... .... .... UN-June!
Me: Yes, July.
A [sung to the tune of the 12 Days of Christmas]: On the first day of July, I'm getting on a plane ...
Me: Yep, June 18.
A: Soon it will be .... .... .... UN-June!
Me: Yes, July.
A [sung to the tune of the 12 Days of Christmas]: On the first day of July, I'm getting on a plane ...
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Conversation With a 7-Year-Old: Imagination Edition
A (looking down at his own drawing in surprise): Really?!
[Pause]
A (reassuringly): Sure!
[Pause]
A (reassuringly): Sure!
Conversation With a 9-Year-Old: Priorities Edition
[We've been discussing Obama's new policy regarding illegal immigrants]
Dad: You know, in China if you move from one region of the country to another without permission from the government, you're an illegal immigrant in your own country. It would be like if we'd moved here from Manitoba, you guys might not have been able to go to school here, or anything.
Me: That's true - I have a friend from China who worked in the city, and she and her husband left their son in the country with her parents, when he was really little. They would go back to visit sometimes, but he was raised by his grandparents.
Dad: That happens a lot. Can you imagine, if we moved to Vancouver from Manitoba and left you guys there with your grandparents? And only came to visit once or twice a year?
J: We would be living in the country? With our grandparents?
Me: Yes.
J: Would I get to have dogs?
Me: Yeah, you would.
J: I would train my dogs to walk me to school, and to do tricks, and we'd always play ball, and -
Me: But you'd only see your Mom and Dad maybe twice a year.
J: Yeah, I'm fine with that.
Dad: You know, in China if you move from one region of the country to another without permission from the government, you're an illegal immigrant in your own country. It would be like if we'd moved here from Manitoba, you guys might not have been able to go to school here, or anything.
Me: That's true - I have a friend from China who worked in the city, and she and her husband left their son in the country with her parents, when he was really little. They would go back to visit sometimes, but he was raised by his grandparents.
Dad: That happens a lot. Can you imagine, if we moved to Vancouver from Manitoba and left you guys there with your grandparents? And only came to visit once or twice a year?
J: We would be living in the country? With our grandparents?
Me: Yes.
J: Would I get to have dogs?
Me: Yeah, you would.
J: I would train my dogs to walk me to school, and to do tricks, and we'd always play ball, and -
Me: But you'd only see your Mom and Dad maybe twice a year.
J: Yeah, I'm fine with that.
Conversation With the Boys: Fame Edition
[They have decided to draw ninja comics]
A: Maybe our comics will become so famous that they'll want to make them into a cartoon!
J: Yeah, and then everyone will say, "draw some comics for me! Make us some more comics!"
A: Yeah, and then the cartoon of our comics will be on Netflix.
J: Well, probably on Canadian Netflix at first, and then if it got REALLY famous, on United States Netflix.
Conversation With a 9-Year-Old: Yet Another Gourmand Edition
Me (looking at a restaurant menu online): I think this is where we're going to have supper tonight.
J: Do they have raw oysters?
Me: No, this is more of a burger place. They have fish and chips.
J: Can't we go somewhere that has raw oysters instead?
Me: Not tonight.
J: Awwww ...
J: Do they have raw oysters?
Me: No, this is more of a burger place. They have fish and chips.
J: Can't we go somewhere that has raw oysters instead?
Me: Not tonight.
J: Awwww ...
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Conversation With the Boys: Canadian Metaphor Edition
(We are eating IKEA meatballs for supper)
J: Can I have more Timbits? (spears a meatball) Mmmmmm, good Timbits!
Me: Ugh, worst Timbits EVER. Beef Timbits are disgusting.
J: What?! They're delicious! These are Timbits, and they're great.
Me: Ewww.
A: YOU'RE a Timbit, Mom.
Me: Oh, really? How am I a Timbit?
A: Weeeelllll .... you make me happy?
Me: Uh huh, go on.
A: Aaaaand .... you're sweet?
Me: Okay ....
A: And you look nice!
Me: All right, then.
Dad: Dodged a bullet there, kid.
J: Can I have more Timbits? (spears a meatball) Mmmmmm, good Timbits!
Me: Ugh, worst Timbits EVER. Beef Timbits are disgusting.
J: What?! They're delicious! These are Timbits, and they're great.
Me: Ewww.
A: YOU'RE a Timbit, Mom.
Me: Oh, really? How am I a Timbit?
A: Weeeelllll .... you make me happy?
Me: Uh huh, go on.
A: Aaaaand .... you're sweet?
Me: Okay ....
A: And you look nice!
Me: All right, then.
Dad: Dodged a bullet there, kid.
Conversation With a 7-Year-Old: Definition Edition
Me (at bedtime): Okay, get some good sleep so you have lots of energy to play with your friends tomorrow.
A: Technically, I don't have very many friends.
Me: You have some friends, though ...
A: Yeah, P and E and R are my friends.
Me: Right, so you have a fair number of friends. And you probably have people in your class who aren't your close friends, but that you get along with okay, and play with sometimes, right?
A: Well, sort of. But you know what I also have? Lots of arch enemies.
Me: In the school, or in your class?
A: In both! But a bunch, like maybe three or four, in my class.
Me: Hmmm. You know, technically you can only have one arch enemy. The rest are just enemies.
A: Really?
Me: Yep. That's what the "arch" part means. It's like "number one", and there can only be one number one enemy.
A: No, but that's not true, because the Joker has two arch enemies.
Me: Oh, yeah? Who?
A: Batman AND Robin.
Me: Okay, you got me there.
A: Technically, I don't have very many friends.
Me: You have some friends, though ...
A: Yeah, P and E and R are my friends.
Me: Right, so you have a fair number of friends. And you probably have people in your class who aren't your close friends, but that you get along with okay, and play with sometimes, right?
A: Well, sort of. But you know what I also have? Lots of arch enemies.
Me: In the school, or in your class?
A: In both! But a bunch, like maybe three or four, in my class.
Me: Hmmm. You know, technically you can only have one arch enemy. The rest are just enemies.
A: Really?
Me: Yep. That's what the "arch" part means. It's like "number one", and there can only be one number one enemy.
A: No, but that's not true, because the Joker has two arch enemies.
Me: Oh, yeah? Who?
A: Batman AND Robin.
Me: Okay, you got me there.
Conversation With a 9-Year-Old: Encouragement Edition
(as I'm leaving for work)
J: Have a good day! ... wait, are you going to court today?
Me: No.
J: Oh. Well, try to work hard and do lots of good work in your office, then.
Me: Will do, thanks.
J (as I'm walking away): And remember to have fun!
J: Have a good day! ... wait, are you going to court today?
Me: No.
J: Oh. Well, try to work hard and do lots of good work in your office, then.
Me: Will do, thanks.
J (as I'm walking away): And remember to have fun!
Conversation With a 7-Year-Old: Mother's Day Edition
More of a "poster" than a "conversation", really.
It reads:
Mom you are like a fire you are warm
you can scare me
you can go away
you can stay
I love you
It reads:
Mom you are like a fire you are warm
you can scare me
you can go away
you can stay
I love you
Conversation With a 9-Year-Old: Mother's Day Edition
This is actually more of a "card" than a "conversation".
My Mother's Day card from the eldest reads:
It is a big day, it's for some one ... Mom it's you!!
are you Happy
are you?
are you?
My Mother's Day card from the eldest reads:
It is a big day, it's for some one ... Mom it's you!!
are you Happy
are you?
are you?
Monday, April 30, 2012
Conversation With a 9-Year-Old: Division of Labour Edition
J: Okay, so here's the plan. You clean the gerbil cage while we watch the gerbils, so they don't escape. Then you can do laundry and clean the kitchen, while we watch a show.
Me: Um, no. I'm going to put in the first load of laundry, then we'll do the gerbil cage, and then you need to practice your piano.
J: You're so unfair!
Me: Um, no. I'm going to put in the first load of laundry, then we'll do the gerbil cage, and then you need to practice your piano.
J: You're so unfair!
Conversation With a 9-Year-Old: Star-Crossed Edition
J: E hasn't told her mom she has a crush on me.
Me: Well, some kids don't tell their moms everything. I guess it's up to her what she tells her mom.
J: She hasn't told her mom because her mom doesn't want her to date.
Me: Um, she's 8 years old. Nobody wants her to date.
Me: Well, some kids don't tell their moms everything. I guess it's up to her what she tells her mom.
J: She hasn't told her mom because her mom doesn't want her to date.
Me: Um, she's 8 years old. Nobody wants her to date.
Conversation With a 9-Year-Old: Legal Osmosis Edition
J: So, in Alice in Wonderland, I'm not just a card anymore. I'm the executor!
Me: Like, you handle people's wills?
J: What? I cut cards up with a giant pair of scissors!
Me: Ah. You're the executioner.
J: Mo --- om! That's what I said.
Me: Like, you handle people's wills?
J: What? I cut cards up with a giant pair of scissors!
Me: Ah. You're the executioner.
J: Mo --- om! That's what I said.
Conversation With a 6-Year-Old: Manoeuvers Edition
A: I'm the second cutest boy in my class.
Me: Really? According to whom?
A: The girls. The cutest boy is really little, though.
Me: I see.
A: Technically, I'm pretty cute. Like, at recess, if I want to stop people from chasing me and prevent attacks on our team, I use The Manoeuver.
Me: What's The Manoeuver?
A: [does passable impression of Puss in Boots doing the big cute eyes in Shrek]
Me: And that stops them cold, does it?
A: Yep - I can stop anyone with The Manoeuver.
[No word yet on when he's gonna drop Magnum on us]
Me: Really? According to whom?
A: The girls. The cutest boy is really little, though.
Me: I see.
A: Technically, I'm pretty cute. Like, at recess, if I want to stop people from chasing me and prevent attacks on our team, I use The Manoeuver.
Me: What's The Manoeuver?
A: [does passable impression of Puss in Boots doing the big cute eyes in Shrek]
Me: And that stops them cold, does it?
A: Yep - I can stop anyone with The Manoeuver.
[No word yet on when he's gonna drop Magnum on us]
Conversation With a 9-Year-Old: Dress Code Edition
[J is hanging out in the bathroom, watching me put on makeup, I am wearing a wool skirt and a sleeveless blouse]
J: Is that what you're wearing to work?
Me: Yes.
J: I mean ... you look nice ...
Me: Yes...?
J: But, well ... maybe you should wear something with sleeves? I mean, because you might get cold!
Me: I'll be wearing a jacket.
J [exasperated]: I KNOW, but for when you're in the office.
Me: No, I mean I'll be wearing a suit jacket, that goes with this skirt.
J: Oh, okay. Good.
[long pause]
J: Does the jacket have sleeves?
Me: Yes!
J: Is that what you're wearing to work?
Me: Yes.
J: I mean ... you look nice ...
Me: Yes...?
J: But, well ... maybe you should wear something with sleeves? I mean, because you might get cold!
Me: I'll be wearing a jacket.
J [exasperated]: I KNOW, but for when you're in the office.
Me: No, I mean I'll be wearing a suit jacket, that goes with this skirt.
J: Oh, okay. Good.
[long pause]
J: Does the jacket have sleeves?
Me: Yes!
Saturday, April 7, 2012
Conversation With the Boys: Figures of Speech Edition
Me, in response to a question from one of the boys: Not for all the tea in China.
J: What? What does that mean?
Me: Well, think about it. How much tea is there in China?
J: A lot?
Me: Right. And how much money is that tea worth?
J: Lots?
Me: Right. So if I say I wouldn't do something for all the tea in China, what do you think that means?
J: That you wouldn't do it even for lots of money?
Me: Right. It means that I wouldn't do it for anything.
A: You know, in Canada we should say, "not for all the deer in Canada!"
Me: Okay, here's another expression. What do you think it means to say you are doing something "till the cows come home"?
[long, thinking pause]
J: Until you get milk?
Conversation With a 6-Year-Old: Graffiti Edition
[at Capilano Suspension Bridge]
A [after reading a sign telling visitors not to draw or carve on the handrails]: I will NOT be writing on these railings!
Dad: Good, I should hope not.
A: I didn't bring a marker.
A [after reading a sign telling visitors not to draw or carve on the handrails]: I will NOT be writing on these railings!
Dad: Good, I should hope not.
A: I didn't bring a marker.
Monday, April 2, 2012
Conversation With a 6-Year-Old: Non Sequitur Edition
Me: What do you want for supper?
A: Nobody knows for sure if there's other life in the universe. They could be so far away that if they sent us a message now, it wouldn't get here for a thousand years, and then I'd be dead.
A: Nobody knows for sure if there's other life in the universe. They could be so far away that if they sent us a message now, it wouldn't get here for a thousand years, and then I'd be dead.
Conversation With a 6-Year-Old: Wear and Tear Edition
Me: Wow, the gerbils have sure gnawed down that piece of wood.
A: They do it to keep their teeth sharp!
Me: And so their teeth won't grow too long.
A: Yeah, without chewing on the wood, they would become sabertoothed gerbils.
A: They do it to keep their teeth sharp!
Me: And so their teeth won't grow too long.
A: Yeah, without chewing on the wood, they would become sabertoothed gerbils.
Saturday, March 31, 2012
Conversation With a 6-Year-Old: Realism Edition
A: If you wanted to make a LEGO nuclear bomb, it would have to be about this big [extends arms in a circle].
Me: Oh ... I suppose so?
A, resignedly: But then you'd need a LOT of LEGO skeletons.
Me: Oh ... I suppose so?
A, resignedly: But then you'd need a LOT of LEGO skeletons.
Conversation Between the Boys: Plot Convention Edition
[From the back seat - A has made a stick figure from twist ties]
A: My guy is called Mr. Green. And he's like a super hero.
J: What are the other characters?
A: Well, there's Mr. Heart, who is nice and has lots of love and feelings.
J: But Mr. Green wants to beat him up anyway!
A: No, Mr. Green wants to marry him - her.
J: Fine, Mr. Green wants to marry Miss Heart.
A: Yeah, but he has to get Mr. Heart first.
J: Okay, but doesn't Mr. Green fight anybody?
A: Yeah - Mr. Pain.
A: My guy is called Mr. Green. And he's like a super hero.
J: What are the other characters?
A: Well, there's Mr. Heart, who is nice and has lots of love and feelings.
J: But Mr. Green wants to beat him up anyway!
A: No, Mr. Green wants to marry him - her.
J: Fine, Mr. Green wants to marry Miss Heart.
A: Yeah, but he has to get Mr. Heart first.
J: Okay, but doesn't Mr. Green fight anybody?
A: Yeah - Mr. Pain.
Conversation With a 9-Year-Old: Universal Truth Edition
Me: Ugh. Cramps.
J: What's wrong?
Me: I just have cramps.
J: From what?
Me: From my period.
J: Oh. How many times does that happen? Like, once a year?
Me: Try once a month.
J: Oh, that's too bad. But then it means you can have babies, right?
Me: Sort of. Yes, yes, I guess that's basically what it means.
J: It's sort of like, "you get to have babies, but you have to have this bad thing happen to get the prize, which is the babies." So, it's like a curse.
Me: Did you just say the period is like a curse?
J [defensively]: Well, it is!! Kind of, you know?
Me: Did you hear it called the curse somewhere?
J: No, but it kind of makes sense, doesn't it?
J: What's wrong?
Me: I just have cramps.
J: From what?
Me: From my period.
J: Oh. How many times does that happen? Like, once a year?
Me: Try once a month.
J: Oh, that's too bad. But then it means you can have babies, right?
Me: Sort of. Yes, yes, I guess that's basically what it means.
J: It's sort of like, "you get to have babies, but you have to have this bad thing happen to get the prize, which is the babies." So, it's like a curse.
Me: Did you just say the period is like a curse?
J [defensively]: Well, it is!! Kind of, you know?
Me: Did you hear it called the curse somewhere?
J: No, but it kind of makes sense, doesn't it?
Conversation With a 6-Year-Old: Blowing Smoke Edition
A [as our bus goes over the Granville Bridge]: Mom, are we high?
Me: Well, I'm not ...
A: Huh?
----------------
A [after purchasing a box of Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans]: Mom, do you like grass? You should try grass. Wanna try grass?? .... Why are you laughing!?
Me: Well, I'm not ...
A: Huh?
----------------
A [after purchasing a box of Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans]: Mom, do you like grass? You should try grass. Wanna try grass?? .... Why are you laughing!?
Conversation With My Kids: Keen Observation Edition
J, at LegoLand: Dad! Dad!! Look!! They have LEGO!!!
-----------------------------
A, leaving a Peruvian restaurant, after all we've talked about is the Peruvian food and decor and drinks, and Inca Kola: Wait! Was that a Peruvian restaurant?!
-----------------------------
A, leaving a Peruvian restaurant, after all we've talked about is the Peruvian food and decor and drinks, and Inca Kola: Wait! Was that a Peruvian restaurant?!
Conversation With a 9-Year-Old: Attitude Edition
Me: J, you really need to stop bossing your brother around.
J: Mom, I think you know where I get that from, right?
Me: ummmm. Where?
J: From X [friend at school]. He's so bossy!
J: Mom, I think you know where I get that from, right?
Me: ummmm. Where?
J: From X [friend at school]. He's so bossy!
Conversation With a 6-Year-Old: Stieg Larssen Edition
Me: Okay, guys, stop sticking things in the fireplace. That's enough.
A: But I can't stop. I'm the Boy Who Played With Fire.
A: But I can't stop. I'm the Boy Who Played With Fire.
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Conversation With a 9-Year-Old: Another Gourmand Edition
Me, at Granville Island: J, have you ever eaten a raw oyster?
J: No ...
Me: Do you want to?
J: Yes!!
[some time later, at the restaurant, he grabs one and goes to chow down]
Me: Wait! Put some lemon and stuff on it. And then you have to swallow it whole.
J: But, how?
Me: Like this.
J [tries, spits it back out]: I can't. I'm just going to chew it.
[Chews and swallows]
J: Okay, I get why you have to swallow them whole.
[proceeds to successfully down 2 more oysters]
J: No ...
Me: Do you want to?
J: Yes!!
[some time later, at the restaurant, he grabs one and goes to chow down]
Me: Wait! Put some lemon and stuff on it. And then you have to swallow it whole.
J: But, how?
Me: Like this.
J [tries, spits it back out]: I can't. I'm just going to chew it.
[Chews and swallows]
J: Okay, I get why you have to swallow them whole.
[proceeds to successfully down 2 more oysters]
Conversation With a 6-Year-Old: Equality Edition
A: Why is there an International Women's Day, but no International Men's Day?
Me: Why do you think?
A: Because in lots of parts of the world, they only have queens and only the women are in charge. No kings, so no men's day.
Me: Why do you think?
A: Because in lots of parts of the world, they only have queens and only the women are in charge. No kings, so no men's day.
Conversation With a 6-Year-Old: Superiority Edition
A, to two 3-year-old girls: I'm as old as both of you ... added together.
Conversation With a 6-Year-Old: Observations Edition
[Riding the bus, reading the advertisements]
A [conversationally]: So, do you think it really *is* easier to buy glasses online?
[some time passes]
A: Drugs! Not for me!
[more time passes]
A: Why is there so much coffee in this town?! Starbucks Coffee, Blenz Coffee, Cuppa Joe - how much coffee do these people need?! How do they all stay in business?
A [conversationally]: So, do you think it really *is* easier to buy glasses online?
[some time passes]
A: Drugs! Not for me!
[more time passes]
A: Why is there so much coffee in this town?! Starbucks Coffee, Blenz Coffee, Cuppa Joe - how much coffee do these people need?! How do they all stay in business?
Conversation With a 6-Year-Old: Spirit Edition
[following a kitchen dance party]
Me: Okay, time to go have a bath.
A: No, I don't want a bath.
Me: Yep, gotta go wash that dance sweat off you.
A [dramatically]: You can never wash the dance spirit off me!!
Me: Okay, time to go have a bath.
A: No, I don't want a bath.
Me: Yep, gotta go wash that dance sweat off you.
A [dramatically]: You can never wash the dance spirit off me!!
Monday, February 20, 2012
Conversation With A 9-Year-Old: Birds and Bees Edition
[J is working on a school research project on raccoons. STILL.]
Dad: Okay, and the mating season ...
J: Raccoon mating season is between January and March. [Eyes suddenly widen in shock ...] But that means ...!!!
Dad: Yes.
J: The raccoons in our yard ...
Dad: That's right. They could be having sex RIGHT NOW.
J: Ewww, Dad!
[36 hours pass]
J: Mom! Our raccoons are going to have babies!!
[36 hours pass]
J: Mom! Our raccoons are going to have babies!!
Conversation With a 6-Year-Old: Camouflage Edition
A [while I'm getting ready for work]: Mom, I'm the only one who gets to see your real face.
Me: You mean because of the makeup?
A: Yeah. You put the makeup on, and then it's a different face.
Me: Um, does it look okay?
A: Yeah.
Me: Okay. But you know, other people get to see my real face too - I don't always wear makeup.
A: Yes, but you mostly do, so when you're at home you wear your real face.
Me: You mean because of the makeup?
A: Yeah. You put the makeup on, and then it's a different face.
Me: Um, does it look okay?
A: Yeah.
Me: Okay. But you know, other people get to see my real face too - I don't always wear makeup.
A: Yes, but you mostly do, so when you're at home you wear your real face.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Conversation With a 6-Year-Old: Subtext Edition
A: Mom, do you like my pistol? [holds up gun made from toilet paper rolls, newsprint, and tape]
Me: It's nice.
A: My friend made it for me.
Me: Which friend?
A: Actually, he's kind of the bully in the class.
Me: Really? What's his name?
A: X.
Me: Oh, I know who X is. I've met X's dad. What kind of bullying things does he do?
A: Oh ... things ... like, he's just always telling.
Me: Telling?
A: Yeah, he always tells on people for things.
Me: And you think that's bullying?
A: It's not nice to tattle.
[I am now a bit concerned that if anyone in this set of facts is the bully, it's my kid ...]
Me: It's nice.
A: My friend made it for me.
Me: Which friend?
A: Actually, he's kind of the bully in the class.
Me: Really? What's his name?
A: X.
Me: Oh, I know who X is. I've met X's dad. What kind of bullying things does he do?
A: Oh ... things ... like, he's just always telling.
Me: Telling?
A: Yeah, he always tells on people for things.
Me: And you think that's bullying?
A: It's not nice to tattle.
[I am now a bit concerned that if anyone in this set of facts is the bully, it's my kid ...]
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Conversation With a 6-Year-Old: Appreciation Edition
A: I have always loved your tummy. [nuzzles tummy] Because your tummy is where I came from.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Conversation With a 6-Year-Old: Etymology Edition
A: Mom, you know why gerbils are called "jur - BULLS"?
Me: Why's that?
A: Because they charge at your hand and head butt it.
Me: Why's that?
A: Because they charge at your hand and head butt it.
Conversation With a Chorister: New Perspective Edition
[at the tail end of a conversation about how I come to speak Spanish fluently]
Me: And, in fact, we actually only ever hire Spanish-speaking nannies, too.
Him: Oh, so you run a nanny service?
Me: And, in fact, we actually only ever hire Spanish-speaking nannies, too.
Him: Oh, so you run a nanny service?
Overheard On the Bus: Desperate Measures Edition
Little Girl: Mommy, look! Yoga!
Mom: That's a yoga class for pregnant moms.
Little Girl: So, you can only go if you're pregnant?
Mom: I guess so.
Little Girl: But what if someone really wanted to do yoga? Would they just put a balloon in their tummy?
Mom: That's a yoga class for pregnant moms.
Little Girl: So, you can only go if you're pregnant?
Mom: I guess so.
Little Girl: But what if someone really wanted to do yoga? Would they just put a balloon in their tummy?
Friday, January 27, 2012
Conversation With The Band: Mash Up Edition
Drummer: We should do that song by The Cars - Just What I Needed.
[Bass player starts playing bass line]
Me: Children be-haaaave, that's what they say when we're together/ And watch how you plaaaaay -
Guitarist: What is that?
Me: Runnin' just as fast as we caaaan, holdin' onto one another's hand .... I think we're alone now -
Guitarist: I think we've heard enough now.
[Seriously, it's pretty much the same bass line. And what's really unfair is that it's actually originally from I Think We're Alone Now, which was written in 1967]
[Bass player starts playing bass line]
Me: Children be-haaaave, that's what they say when we're together/ And watch how you plaaaaay -
Guitarist: What is that?
Me: Runnin' just as fast as we caaaan, holdin' onto one another's hand .... I think we're alone now -
Guitarist: I think we've heard enough now.
[Seriously, it's pretty much the same bass line. And what's really unfair is that it's actually originally from I Think We're Alone Now, which was written in 1967]
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Conversation With a 9-Year-Old: Status Edition
Me: You guys, your dad and I have decided to take you to Legoland for spring break.
[Eruptions of joy]
J [exultantly]: I finally get to go to a LAND!
Me: [gales of laughter]
J: What?! Everyone else goes to lands. DisneyLAND, PlayLAND -- but I don't think anyone in my class has been to LEGOLAND!
[Eruptions of joy]
J [exultantly]: I finally get to go to a LAND!
Me: [gales of laughter]
J: What?! Everyone else goes to lands. DisneyLAND, PlayLAND -- but I don't think anyone in my class has been to LEGOLAND!
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Conversation With a 9-Year-Old: Grammar Edition
Me [seeing J's project on "Raccoon's"]: Oh, that apostrophe shouldn't be there.
J: Fine. [erases it sullenly]
Me: No, wait! Let me explain. This is important, and it's a bit tricky, but it's useful to know. Let's write out some sentences. "Bears eat honey" ... no, let's use raccoons. "Raccoons eat ..."
J: ... garbage."
[he caught on to the apostrophe thing pretty quickly, too]
J: Fine. [erases it sullenly]
Me: No, wait! Let me explain. This is important, and it's a bit tricky, but it's useful to know. Let's write out some sentences. "Bears eat honey" ... no, let's use raccoons. "Raccoons eat ..."
J: ... garbage."
[he caught on to the apostrophe thing pretty quickly, too]
Conversation With a 9-Year-Old: Impossible Dream Edition
J: Mom!!! I have to show you my new project!!!
Me: What is it?
J: I'm training the gerbils!
[He waves his hand over the rubbermaid tub in which the gerbils are located, and one jumps up]
Me: What are you training them to do?
J [picking up a gerbil and making it stand on the edge of a bowl]: I'm training them to be tiny ninjas.
Me: What is it?
J: I'm training the gerbils!
[He waves his hand over the rubbermaid tub in which the gerbils are located, and one jumps up]
Me: What are you training them to do?
J [picking up a gerbil and making it stand on the edge of a bowl]: I'm training them to be tiny ninjas.
Conversation With a 6-Year-Old: Survival Edition
A: All you need to live is water and food.
Me: Mostly, yes. And air. And not to get too cold.
A: Right. So, all you need is water and air and an animal.
Me: Hmm?
A: Like a cow, or a sheep. They can give you fur and food.
Me: That's true. I think a sheep is better, because they're woolly. So you'd have lots of wool, and you could drink the milk and make cheese and things, and you wouldn't have to kill it.
A: Yep. But you know what would be even better than a sheep? An alpaca.
Me: Really?
A: Yes, because an alpaca is more like a horse. It has a long neck, so you could get it to reach things for ... this is a very well-trained alpaca we're talking about, okay?
Me: Got it.
A: It could reach things down for you. [pause] You'd need cactuses. too.
Me: What for?
A: For your alpaca to eat. So, to survive, you need water and food and air and an animal and food for your animal to eat.
Me: Sounds like you've got it all figured out.
A: Yes, I do.
Me: Mostly, yes. And air. And not to get too cold.
A: Right. So, all you need is water and air and an animal.
Me: Hmm?
A: Like a cow, or a sheep. They can give you fur and food.
Me: That's true. I think a sheep is better, because they're woolly. So you'd have lots of wool, and you could drink the milk and make cheese and things, and you wouldn't have to kill it.
A: Yep. But you know what would be even better than a sheep? An alpaca.
Me: Really?
A: Yes, because an alpaca is more like a horse. It has a long neck, so you could get it to reach things for ... this is a very well-trained alpaca we're talking about, okay?
Me: Got it.
A: It could reach things down for you. [pause] You'd need cactuses. too.
Me: What for?
A: For your alpaca to eat. So, to survive, you need water and food and air and an animal and food for your animal to eat.
Me: Sounds like you've got it all figured out.
A: Yes, I do.
Conversation With a 6-Year-Old: Gender Stereotype Edition
Me: Now, you should get some sleep.
A: But I don't want the outside of me to be asleep, when the inside of me is sick.
Me: Did you know that sleeping is the time that your body is best at fighting off bugs?
A: Really?
Me: Yes.
A: You, know, I guess girls really do say "fight" sometimes, right?
Me: ... yes? ...
A: It's not just a word for men.
Me: No, fight is absolutely not just a word for men.
A: But I don't want the outside of me to be asleep, when the inside of me is sick.
Me: Did you know that sleeping is the time that your body is best at fighting off bugs?
A: Really?
Me: Yes.
A: You, know, I guess girls really do say "fight" sometimes, right?
Me: ... yes? ...
A: It's not just a word for men.
Me: No, fight is absolutely not just a word for men.
Conversation With a 6-Year-Old: What They Don't Know Edition
[We're riding home in a taxi]
A: Taxi drivers get pretty awesome cars.
Me: How so?
A: They have computers in them!
Me: That screen helps them navigate - it helps them to know where they should be going.
A: All cars should have that.
Me: I think a lot of them do.
A: But what cars shouldn't have, is no roof.
Me: Why shouldn't they have no roof?
A: Because if there's no roof, people can see what you have inside.
Me: Like what? Like, if you've got your stuff in the car with you?
A: Like, if the police saw you, and you had an alcohol drink, then if you didn't have a roof they might see you!
Me: Oh, but you should never ever have an alcoholic drink while driving a car. Or before driving a car.
A: Right ... but *if* you did, you wouldn't want the police to see you.
Me: But you wouldn't. Because that would be wrong.
A: Okay, Mom.
[Oh, dear.]
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Conversation With the Boys: Comedy Edition
A: You know what would be a good joke?
Me: No, what?
A: There's no more money in the bank! [giggles]
Me: Mmm, that would be funny, if a bank ran out of money.
A: But you know why? Because it's impossible. There's ALWAYS money in the bank!
J: And the banana stand.
[I knew letting them watch Arrested Development would pay off]
Me: No, what?
A: There's no more money in the bank! [giggles]
Me: Mmm, that would be funny, if a bank ran out of money.
A: But you know why? Because it's impossible. There's ALWAYS money in the bank!
J: And the banana stand.
[I knew letting them watch Arrested Development would pay off]
Conversation With a 6-Year-Old: Commando Edition
Me: Man, I'd better do laundry tonight. I've exhausted my underwear supply.
A [laughing]: How can anyone be exhausted by underwear!?!
Me: No, it just means that I've run out of clean underwear. So I have to wash my clothes - it's that or go to court with no underwear on tomorrow.
A [after considering this for a moment]: So, which are you going to do?
A [laughing]: How can anyone be exhausted by underwear!?!
Me: No, it just means that I've run out of clean underwear. So I have to wash my clothes - it's that or go to court with no underwear on tomorrow.
A [after considering this for a moment]: So, which are you going to do?
Conversation Between the Boys: Cover Edition
A [singing to the tune of the William Tell Overture]: Halleloo halleloo halleloo-oo-YAH! (repeated)
[pause]
A: J, do you like that, or do you like it better like this? [sings Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah chorus]
J: I like that better. But would it sound very good if you sang it like this [sings it in a whiny falsetto]? Do you like that?
A: No, but you know what's even worse than that? Is just to do this [chants monotonously] ha-lle-lu-jah-hall-le-lu-jah-ha-lle-lu --
J: Okay, enough, that's bad.
[long, pensive moment]
[J begins singing bass line to Seven Nation Army. A joins in a moment later]
[pause]
A: J, do you like that, or do you like it better like this? [sings Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah chorus]
J: I like that better. But would it sound very good if you sang it like this [sings it in a whiny falsetto]? Do you like that?
A: No, but you know what's even worse than that? Is just to do this [chants monotonously] ha-lle-lu-jah-hall-le-lu-jah-ha-lle-lu --
J: Okay, enough, that's bad.
[long, pensive moment]
[J begins singing bass line to Seven Nation Army. A joins in a moment later]
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Conversation With an 8-Year-Old: Sentimentality Edition
[I hear weeping from the bedroom and go to investigate]
Me: What's wrong?
J: I am going to miss being 8.
Me: Oh, honey. You know how much I cried when I turned 20?
J: How much?
Me: A lot.
J: Why did you cry?
Me: Because I wasn't a teenager anymore.
J: But, am I going to be in between now?
Me: In between what?
J: You know, in between.
Me: In between 8 and 10?
J: No, like ... not a kid, but not a teenager.
Me: A tween?
J: Yeah.
Me: Oh, no. Not till you're 11. Or at least 10.
J [suspiciously]: Why not?
Me: Gotta get into the double digits to be a tween.
J [relieved]: Oh. Okay.
Me: You know, 9 should be good - you've got lots of friends who are 9.
J: I know. It just hurts my feelings that I can't stay 8.
Me: What's wrong?
J: I am going to miss being 8.
Me: Oh, honey. You know how much I cried when I turned 20?
J: How much?
Me: A lot.
J: Why did you cry?
Me: Because I wasn't a teenager anymore.
J: But, am I going to be in between now?
Me: In between what?
J: You know, in between.
Me: In between 8 and 10?
J: No, like ... not a kid, but not a teenager.
Me: A tween?
J: Yeah.
Me: Oh, no. Not till you're 11. Or at least 10.
J [suspiciously]: Why not?
Me: Gotta get into the double digits to be a tween.
J [relieved]: Oh. Okay.
Me: You know, 9 should be good - you've got lots of friends who are 9.
J: I know. It just hurts my feelings that I can't stay 8.
Conversation With an 8-Year-Old: Self-Regulation Edition
Me [on YouTube]: Check this out! It's called "Who's On First?"
J: What's it about?
Me: It's like that conversation you guys were having about the computer days.
J: Okay, but I can't look! [covers eyes]
Me: Why not?
J: Because I'm grounded from computers!
Me: Oh, right. Good point.
J: What's it about?
Me: It's like that conversation you guys were having about the computer days.
J: Okay, but I can't look! [covers eyes]
Me: Why not?
J: Because I'm grounded from computers!
Me: Oh, right. Good point.
Conversation With the Boys: Abbott and Costello Edition
J: What are your computer days at school?
A: Your computer days.
J: No, not my computer days. What are your computer days?
A: YOUR computer days!
J: No, like my computer days are Monday and Friday. What are your computer days?
A: Monday and Friday.
J: No, I mean -
A: Wehavethesamecomputerdays!!!
J: Oh.
Me [gales of laughter]
A & J [accusingly]: What's so funny!?!
Conversation With a 6-Year-Old: Punishment Edition
[The boys are grounded for general attitude problems]
A [to his father, defiantly]: And your cuddles are grounded for five weeks! NO! For a YEAR!
A [to his father, defiantly]: And your cuddles are grounded for five weeks! NO! For a YEAR!
Monday, January 2, 2012
Conversation With a 6-Year-Old: Terminology Edition
A: Grandpa, cuddles are different from hugs.
Grandpa: Yes, I agree.
A: Because cuddles are longer, and cozier. Hugs are just like this [demonstrates]. But cuddles can go on for a long time. I like cuddles better.
[long pause]
A: Grandpa, what do you like better? Hugs or cuddles?
Grandpa: Definitely cuddles.
A: Yeah, me too.
Grandpa: Yes, I agree.
A: Because cuddles are longer, and cozier. Hugs are just like this [demonstrates]. But cuddles can go on for a long time. I like cuddles better.
[long pause]
A: Grandpa, what do you like better? Hugs or cuddles?
Grandpa: Definitely cuddles.
A: Yeah, me too.
Conversation With a 6-Year-Old: Grudge Edition
A [after handling a gerbil a little too much and being bitten]: Do you think the gerbil forgives me?
Me: Yes, I'm sure he forgives you.
A [resolutely]: Well, I don't forgive him!
[some hours pass]
A [sitting by the gerbil cage]: I don't forgive you, you know. I'm never going to pick you up again. Even if you are fuzzy.
Me: Yes, I'm sure he forgives you.
A [resolutely]: Well, I don't forgive him!
[some hours pass]
A [sitting by the gerbil cage]: I don't forgive you, you know. I'm never going to pick you up again. Even if you are fuzzy.
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