Conversation With a 9-Year-Old: Blonde Joke Edition

J: Mom! Want to hear a joke?

Me: Um, sure.

J: Ok. So. A redhead, a brownhead and a  - a - beigehead ...

Me: You mean a redhead, a brunette and a blonde?

J: Yes?

Me: Is this joke about girls?

J: No.

Me: Ok, then probably not brunette. A redhead, a blonde, and a brown-haired guy?

J: Yeah. Ok. So, they're running from the police, right? And they get to a farm, and the redhead hides behind a cow. And the brown-haired guy hides behind a sack of potatoes. And the blond hides behind a sack of potatoes. So then the police come, and go up to the cow, but the guy behind it says "moo! moo!" so they go away. Then they come up to the dog -

M: What dog? There were two sacks of potatoes.

J: Oh, no. It was a dog. So anyway, the police come up to the dog, and the guy behind the dog says "woof! woof!" so they go away. Then they come up to the sack of potatoes, and the guy behind the sack - who has the yellow hair - can't think of what a potato says, so he just says "potato! potato!"

[hysterical laughter and much repetition of Potato! Potato! ensues from the boys]

Me: That's pretty funny!

J: It's funny because in, like, olden days, they used to think that people with yellow hair weren't that smart.

Conversation With a 9-Year-Old: Vocational Edition

J [while I'm getting ready for work]: So, what are you going to do when we live in Peru?

Me: That's the big question. We're trying to figure it out.

J: Well, you could be a daycare person.

Me: You think so?

J: Yeah, why not?

Me: I don't know .... I trained as a lawyer, I was thinking I'd try to find something related to law.

J: No reason not to try something new.

Me: I suppose you're right. I just never considered working in a daycare before.

J [encouragingly]: You could do it. You're good with kids.

Conversation With a 7-Year-Old: Gift Edition

[Overheard from the next room]

Nanny: Oh, good job, you're cooking.

A: I made it for you!

Nanny: Oh, okay, go eat your breakfast now.

A: But I fried this egg for you!

Nanny: For me?! Thank you!!

[I walk through as she is giving him a big hug]

A: Taste it! Taste it! Taste it! Taste it!

Nanny: Oh, esta muy rico, papi!

A [contented sigh]: The secret is ... lots of practice.

Nanny: Oh?

[I'm on my way out the door, and I hear ...]

A: Yes. I practiced lots. I wasn't always so good. Once I cracked an egg and it went down there ...

Conversation With a 7-Year-Old: Another Invention Edition

A: Mom, I learned something new about carrots.

Me: Really.

A: Do you agree that carrots are good for you?

Me: Yes, I do.

A: And you agree that water is good for you?

Me: Yes, I do.

A: So. D and I - he's the one that got kissed ON THE LIPS - we discovered that if you chew carrots up in your mouth, and then drink water, but keep the water in your mouth, and then chew and chew, it makes carrot water. And that is mixing together two things that are good for you, so it's *even better* for you.

J: I bet you could make carrot juice if you put carrots and water in the blender.

A: YES! And it tastes ... good ... too.

Conversation With a 7-Year-Old: Grammar Edition

A, to J: I think you're equating "how do you know" with "how did you know".

Conversation With the Boys: Strategy Edition

A: D is the first kid in my class to get kissed ON THE LIPS.

Me: Really ....

A: Yeah. And E [a 10-year-old girl at school] threw L's hat in a puddle.

Me: That seems mean. Has E been picking on younger kids?

A: Not exactly ... she's on the other side in our war.

Me: Oh. Is everyone in the war?

A: Yeah, pretty much. The girl who kissed D ON THE LIPS is on the other side too.

J: Wait, are they lubbers?

Me: Are they what?

J [emphatically]: Love - birds. Are they lovebirds, or did she kiss him like a weapon?

A: Kind of both.

Me: Hmm.

[kettle boils in kitchen]

J: I put the kettle on for you. Would you like some tea?

Me: Sure.

[They go into the kitchen. I overhear the rest of the conversation]

J: Is E's little brother R in the war?

A: No.

J: You should get him in.

A: Oh, yeah! She wouldn't attack us if he was on our side.

J: No, tell him to join her side. Then he can report back to you on all their strategies.

Conversation With My Boys: Subtle Distinction Edition

J [while watching a musical]: Mom, have you seen Grace before?

Me: Grace who?

J: No, this show - - Grace.

Me: You mean "Grease".

J: Oh, right.

___________

A: Let's listen to that Grease music.

Me: I didn't even know you knew any Grease music.

A: Huh?

Me: Do you mean .... from the musical ...?

A: No ...

Me: Greek music? From the country Greece?

A: No, just like that bagpipe music, like they played at school on Remembrance Day. The grease music!

Me: Amazing Grace?

A: Yeah!

Conversation With a 9-Year-Old: Pop Music Edition

[I emerge from the bathroom to discover that my son has YouTubed "Love the Way You Lie]

Me [after song ends]: Okay, if you're going to listen to Eminem, let me find you some earlier stuff.

J: No, I'm looking for something!

Me: No, it's my turn.

J: Hang on, I just want to find this one song.

[I look and he has typed "just" into the search field]

Me: If it's "Just", by Radiohead, I'll listen to that.

J: It's not.

Me: Well, it better not be Justin Bieber.

J: No! It's "Just Beat It".

Me: Oh, the name of that song is just "Beat It".

J: Right ...?

Me: I mean, just type in "Beat It".

J: Oh, okay.

Me: And now we should probably discuss the "Love the Way You Lie" video ...

Both kids [talking over each other]: Mo-ooom, we know.