Conversation With A 9-Year-Old: Birds and Bees Edition

[J is working on a school research project on raccoons. STILL.]

Dad: Okay, and the mating season ...

J: Raccoon mating season is between January and March. [Eyes suddenly widen in shock ...] But that means ...!!!

Dad: Yes.

J: The raccoons in our yard ...

Dad: That's right. They could be having sex RIGHT NOW.

J: Ewww, Dad!

[36 hours pass]

J: Mom! Our raccoons are going to have babies!!

Conversation With a 6-Year-Old: Camouflage Edition

A [while I'm getting ready for work]: Mom, I'm the only one who gets to see your real face.

Me: You mean because of the makeup?

A: Yeah. You put the makeup on, and then it's a different face.

Me: Um, does it look okay?

A: Yeah.

Me: Okay. But you know, other people get to see my real face too - I don't always wear makeup.

A: Yes, but you mostly do, so when you're at home you wear your real face.

Conversation With a 6-Year-Old: Subtext Edition

A: Mom, do you like my pistol? [holds up gun made from toilet paper rolls, newsprint, and tape]

Me: It's nice.

A: My friend made it for me.

Me: Which friend?

A: Actually, he's kind of the bully in the class.

Me: Really? What's his name?

A: X.

Me: Oh, I know who X is. I've met X's dad. What kind of bullying things does he do?

A: Oh ... things ... like, he's just always telling.

Me: Telling?

A: Yeah, he always tells on people for things.

Me: And you think that's bullying?

A: It's not nice to tattle.


[I am now a bit concerned that if anyone in this set of facts is the bully, it's my kid ...]

Conversation With a 6-Year-Old: Appreciation Edition

A: I have always loved your tummy. [nuzzles tummy] Because your tummy is where I came from.

Conversation With a 6-Year-Old: Etymology Edition

A: Mom, you know why gerbils are called "jur - BULLS"?

Me: Why's that?

A: Because they charge at your hand and head butt it.

Conversation With a Chorister: New Perspective Edition

[at the tail end of a conversation about how I come to speak Spanish fluently]

Me: And, in fact, we actually only ever hire Spanish-speaking nannies, too.

Him: Oh, so you run a nanny service?

Overheard On the Bus: Desperate Measures Edition

Little Girl: Mommy, look! Yoga!

Mom: That's a yoga class for pregnant moms.

Little Girl: So, you can only go if you're pregnant?

Mom: I guess so.

Little Girl: But what if someone really wanted to do yoga? Would they just put a balloon in their tummy?