Conversation With a 9-Year-Old: Morbidness Edition

[over the telephone]

Me: So, how'd the field trip go?

J: Good! I got a little pumpkin. It's a cute little pumpkin.

Me: Oh, good.

J: I don't want to carve it, but everyone says I have to.

Me: You really don't have to carve it if you don't want to.

J: I want to keep it, and take care of it. And then when it starts to rot, and get soft, I want to put it in a box, and close the lid. Like a little grave.

Me: You want to bury it in the garden?

J: Yes. And then when we move we can dig it up and take it with us to our new house, and bury it there.

Me: We'll see.

Conversation With a 7-Year-Old: Recipe Edition

Me: A, we need to make soup out of the leftover turkey. Could you help me with that?

A: Okay. What do you need me to do?

Me: Well, there are lots of different kinds of soup that we could make. You could help me figure out the kind of soup.

A: Well, there is one ingredient I really want to use.

Me: What's that?

A: I'll show you.

[runs to the kitchen, comes racing back with a spice jar]

A: This!

Me: Mexican chili powder?

A: Yes.

Me: You sure? Here, smell it.

A: [smells] Aaaaaaahhhh. That's what I want.

Me: Okay, so turkey chili?

A: Yep.

Me: With tomatoes and peppers and black beans?

A: Yep.

Me: And cilantro?

A: Okay.

Me: And spinach?

A: Sure!

And that's what we made.

Conversation With my Husband: Pulp Fiction Edition

[We are transferring all the moose meat he brought back from up north into our freezers. The meat has been wrapped in saran wrap and has left about 2 inches of blood pooling in the cooler]

Him: Not sure what to do with all this blood.

Me: Flush it down the toilet. Then rinse out the coolers with bleach and water.

Him: Good thinking. I think I'll also hose them off outside.

[He goes off and does this]

Him: What was that ... what was Harvey called, in that ...? You know, Harvey what's his name...? [gertures vaguely in the direction of the sink, which is filled with raw meat]

Me: ...? Wolf ... Mr. Wolf? The fixer in Pulp Fiction?

Him: Yeah, what's his name?

Me: Harvey Keitel?

Him: Yeah! [nods, smiles]

Me: Wait ... are you comparing me to Harvey Keitel?

Him: In a good way - you knew what to do with all the blood!

Conversations With the Boys: Inigo Montoya Edition

A, after taking a bite of supper: Yum! [sticks up both thumbs]

Me: Oh, an enthusiastic two thumbs up!

A: No, I'm not being enthusiastic! I really mean it!!

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J: You know, no offence, but I really like Scrubs.

[later that day]

J: No offence, Mom, but could we buy some yogurt?

Conversation With a 7-Year-Old: Honest Abe Edition

A: You know, one thing I cannot lie about?

Me: What's that?

A: The bed is warmer than the floor!

Me: That's true. Did you sleep on the floor last night?

A: ... yes.

[short pause]

A: Beds, slippers, mittens ... these are all good inventions.

Conversation With a 7-Year-Old: Terry Pratchett Edition

A: Can I read "Thud" for my class?

Me: The Discworld book?

A: Yeah.

Me: That's a long book. Maybe you could just give a review of a book you read and liked?

A: But I'm reading it!

Me: Okay ... but it's, like, the 25th book or something in a whole series. I'll get you the first one, The Colour of Magic, and you can read that first.

A: But I already read the por-loh-gyoo!

Me: The prologue?

A: Yeah, that!

Me: That's fine.

Conversation With a 7-Year-Old: Appreciation Edition Part 2

A: Mom, I think - I mean, as far as I can tell from what my brain is saying - it must be pretty awesome to have a mom like you.

Me: Aw, thanks buddy!

A: No, really! It's just the calculation. Like, "mom" plus "lawyer" equals "AWESOME mom".

Me: So, you think me being a lawyer makes me awesome?

A: It's about 45% being a lawyer, and about 65% love and snuggles.

[So glad to know that the lawyer part is valued ... and that I apparently give 110%]

Conversation With a 7-Year-Old: Discovery Edition

A: Mom, L and I made a new scientific discovery! At least, we think it's a new discovery. We don't think anyone has discovered it before.

Me: Oh? What is it?

A: You know those things that you can put in your ears, and then you plug them into something, and you can hear music, but other people can't hear it?

Me: Ear buds?

A: Yeah, ear buds. We discovered that if you plug them into the ground, do you know what you can hear?

Me: What?

A: WORMS!!

Me: Really? What do you hear them doing?

A: Just, you know, slithering and stuff. Mostly slithering.