Conversation With an 11-Year-Old: Don Juan Edition

Me, as we're walking downtown with our visitors: And this street (pointing up street overhung with large, shady trees) is where people come at night to make out. And pee.

J: What's "make out"?

Me: Like, kissing.

J: Why here?

Me: I guess because it's dark, they can be in the shadows, so they feel more private?

J: I wouldn't kiss in the shadows. I'd kiss in the light right under a streetlamp. That's more romantic. And then as you kissed YOU would cast a shadow ... of love.

Conversation With an 11-Year-Old: Prayer Edition

J: Mom, I know quite a lot about prayering.

Me: About praying?

J: Yeah. Because we have to do it at school. It's in Spanish, but I can translate it for you. I might not get it exact, but I mostly know it. It goes "Santa Maria, madre de Dios, ruega por nos ... ahora y en la hora de nuestra muestra" - it means "Santa Mary, mother of Zeus, pray for us now and when he shows up."

Conversation With a 9-Year-Old: Preparation Edition

A: So, today's Wednesday.

Me: Yes.

A: And tomorrow's Thursday ...

Me: ... yes?

A: And then Friday we don't have to go to school because we're going to Chile?

Me: That's right. Two more days of school, then a five day weekend while we're in Chile.

A: We should probably take tomorrow off to pack.

Me: Nice try, kid.

A: Or we could take today off to pack, and go to school tomorrow.

Me: You don't need a full day to pack for a five day trip.

A: I just want to be prepared!

Me: Right.

Conversation With the Boys: Colour Edition

J: Mom, when Persephone comes to live with us, we should get her a purple collar. Like, a magenta colour of purple.

A: Or a darker shade of purple. With silver bones on it.

[Magenta? Since when do my kids know what magenta is?]

Conversation With a 9-Year-Old: Moral Support Edition

Me: Good night, sweetie.

A: Mom? Are you almost done your work?

Me: Well, I'm about halfway done.

A: When you're done, it's going to feel like ... ahhhhh! And I am pretty sure that if I'm asleep when you're done, my spirit in my dream will congratulate you. And then tomorrow morning I will congratulate you awake!

Conversation With The Boys: Get Off My Lawn Edition

J: Stampylongnose has more YouTube subscribers than One Direction!

Husband, baffled: ... what's One Direction?

Conversation With an 8-Year-Old: Swearing in Front of the Kids Edition

[Last night around 6, after I received an email from J's teacher specifying what he should wear for the Mother's Day performance today]

Me: A, do you have to wear anything special for school tomorrow? For the show?

A: I just have to change into a rabbit suit once we get there.

Me: But what do we have to do here? Anything special we need to do here?

A: I just wear my uniform and get changed into the rabbit suit at school.

Me: Okay, cool.

[This morning 15 minutes before the bus arrives]

Me: J, a black shirt for school has to be black, not black with stuff all over it.

J: My teacher said it could have something little on it.

[The whole front of his black shirt is covered in a white skull and thistle motif and says in giant letters "East End Radicals]

Me: Go change!

J: I don't have anything!

A: And I still need you to make me a rabbit suit!

Me: ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?! SHIT!!!

Kids: [Shocked silence]

Conversation With an 8-Year-Old: Supply and Demand Edition

A: Mom, you might want to drink a bit less wine for the next few months. It's winter, and you don't want to run out of wine before the grapes start growing again.

Conversation With an 8-Year-Old: Culinary Innovation Edition

A [after eating jia chang dou fu]: Mom! I just invented the best food ever!

Me: Yes?

A: So, what you would do is, you would cook marrow bones, but in this sauce!

Me: Like, osso buco but in the sauce we just ate?

A: Yes!

Me: I can certainly do that.

A: Oh, thank you thank you!! [jumps up and hugs me]

Conversation With an 11-Year-Old: Multipurpose Edition

J [showing me his Lego creation]: And this is the gun. Except sometimes it's also a fish roaster.

[Balances Lego fish on gun]

Conversation With an 8-Year-Old: Hobbit Edition

[Watching The Return of the Kings]

A: Merry and Pippin are drunk as LORDS.

Husband: Drunk as lords?

A: Yes. As lords.

Conversation With an 8-Year-Old: Scientific Quantification Edition

A: Scientists are trying to prove that chinchillas are the softest animals, but they're just wrong. Bunnies are.

Conversation With an 8-Year-Old: Undead Edition

A, breaking a toothpick in half and making the sign of the cross with it: Back, tiny vampire!!

Conversation With an 8-Year-Old: Morning Breath Edition

A [upon emerging from his bedroom after sleeping till 11, following our late night arrival in Lima]: I washed my mouth out.

Me [sniffing]: With that Peruvian mouthwash? I thought that stuff was terrible.

A: Yeah, but my mouth was worse.

Me: Well, after all that -

A: - tropical air.

Me: I was going to say "sleep".

A: Tropical air does make your breath worse.