Monday, December 5, 2011

Conversation With An 8-Year-Old: Old Timey Edition


J: Mom, what are 80s?

Me: What?

J: What are the 80s?

Me [suppressing a laugh]: well, the 80s are years. What year is it now?

J: 2011.

Me: and what year was it last year?

J: 2010.

Me: Right. So, if you count backwards, eventually you get to 2000, right?

J: Yeah ...

Me: So before that it was the 1900s. Like, the one thousand nine hundreds. Because one thousand nine hundred and ninety-nine comes before two thousand, right?

J: Yeah.

Me: So, there were the 1990s – the 90s – and before that the 80s, the 70s, the 60s, the 50s, the 40s –

J: But were you in the 80s?

Me: Yes.

J [gives me a huge hug]

Me: What’s that for?

J: It’s your year – it’s so cool you were alive in a cool time!

Me: What do you mean?

J: Like, “the 80s!” You know. Not like “two thousand eleven”. That’s not cool. The Eighties!

Me: But I was born in the 70s.

J [with eyes like saucers]: really?!

Me: Yep, 1975.

J: That’s so awesome. “The Seventies.” Like, cowboy times.

Me: What?

J: You know, back when there were cowboys. And, like, sheriffs. And six shooter guns.

A: And AK-47s.

J: Yeah, and AK-47s.

Me: Yeah, those were some pretty wild times.

Conversation With a 6-Year-Old: Messianic Edition 2

A, from the back seat, matter-of-factly: In 5 decades, the Earth is going to explode.

J, equally nonchalant: So, I'll be 58 when I die.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Conversation With a 6-Year-Old: When Life Hands You Lemons Edition

[A is sitting on the toilet lid in his pjs and my slippers while I do my hair and makeup to go to work]

Me: Do you want me to comb your hair, to get rid of some of that bed head?

A: Yes, but not all of it.

Me: You want to keep some of your bed head?

A: Yes, because that way even though I have to get up when I'm still sleepy, my hair can sleep for a little longer.

The Emotional Intelligence of Elephants

The 6-year-old came home with a trick for remembering how to spell "because":

Big Elephants Can Always Understand Small Elephants.

I remember this by spelling "because", and then slotting in words that create a statement about larger elephants understanding little elephants.

As a kid I always had trouble spelling "eight". In the spirit of the Grade 1 teacher's use of the mnemonic device, I've created my own, which I can only hope will assist my children:

Even Igloos Get Hot & Toasty.

We'll see if it works. Probably it will just result in a lot of documents featuring the number "eighat".

Monday, November 21, 2011

Conversation With a 6-Year-Old: Curse Word Edition

A: Oops! I almost said the s-word.

Dad [concerned]: What's the s-word?

A: "Stupid". We shouldn't say it. Or the f-word.

Dad [smiling]: And what's the f-word?

A: F**k.

Dad: Ooooh. Yeah, definitely shouldn't say that one.

A: You know what we say instead? Firetruck.

Dad: Oh, okay. That's all right.

[some hours pass]

A [overheard on the stairs]: Firef**k! Firef**k! Firef**k!

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Today I ...

I occasionally write down all the things I've done in a day in my facebook status. This is mostly meant to reassure myself that just because I feel like I've gotten nothing done and the house is a mess, that is not actually the case.

So, here goes:

Slept in till 8, got up, drank coffee. Researched bunk beds and area rugs online. Went out for breakfast with the family. Went to the store to buy groceries. Went to another store to buy mitts and gloves to replace the ones that were lost yesterday. Went home. Did five loads of laundry, while also cooking lunch and cleaning the gerbil cage. Packed boxes of dishes, clothes, and books. Headed out shopping again for supplies for the new house - did not get bunk beds. Went to a lumber store to buy a board onto which to copy the children's height record from the door frame here. Picked up the kids from their play date and went over to the new house with the supplies. Set up lamps and rugs, and unpacked some boxes. Went home and cooked supper. Helped the eldest practice piano for 45 minutes. Helped him with math homework while cleaning the kitchen. Updated blog. 

Now, off to sort socks, and then to bed.

Conversation With a 6-Year-Old: Bill Watterson Edition

A: Calvin is so funny! That guy who wrote it, why did he write it?

Me: Because he wanted to, I guess. He was pretty funny.

A: Is he dead?

Me: No, I think he just got tired of writing that comic strip. He wrote it for a long time.

A: Maybe he got bored.

Me: Maybe. But he sure was funny, huh?

A: He was weird and funny and smart all at the same time!

Me: The best ones always are, kiddo.

[some time later]

A [giggling]: Calvin's stuffy, Hobbes? When they played football, and he got a goal, then he said, "and then all the cheerleaders came over for smooches!" Funny and weird.

Conversation With a 6-Year-Old: Comparative Advantage Edition

A: You know what would be really unfair? If I was driving, and I am not a very good driver, but I was driving anyway, and you were just cooking? That wouldn't be very fair for you!

Me [looking at him blankly]: ... I like cooking ...

A: Because, Mom! I'm way better at cooking than I am at driving! If I was driving, we'd probably crash. So it would be unfair.

Conversation Between the Boys: Global Conflict Edition

J [singing]: If the world was a little bit better, a little better than it was.

Together: If the world was a little bit better, a little better that it was.

Together: If the world was a little bit kinder, a little kinder than it was.

A: If the world was a little more peaceful, a little more peaceful than it was.

[pause]

A: Because, you know, it would be better if it was more peaceful. There are even battles happening in the world today, you know.

J: Yeah ...

[thoughtful pause]

Both, talking over each other excitedly: With bombs! And missiles! And grenades! And Gatling guns!

[pause]

A: But, it really should be more peaceful.

Conversation With the Boys: Geography Edition

Dad: So, what's the capital of Canada?

J + A: Ottawa!

Dad: And Manitoba?

J + A: Winnipeg!

Dad: And the Yukon?

J: Whitehorse!

Dad: And China?

A: San Diego!

Conversation With an 8-Year-Old: Disappointment Edition

J: They cancelled pajama day at school.

Me: Oh, that's a real shame. That would have been fun. Do you know why it was cancelled?

J: No.

A: And they cancelled mine, too!

J: Mom, do you get a pajama day?

Me: Where? At my work?

J: Yes.

Me: No.

J [dejectedly]: Yeah. Neither do we.

Conversation With a 6-Year-Old: Reuse Edition

Me: Okay, guys, I collected the newspapers from the new house. They were all piled up by the fireplace. We can use them for wrapping glasses.

Dad: You're lucky they weren't burned already.

A: Oh! I know what we can do with the newspapers after we're done using them to wrap things.

Me: What's that?

A: We can tear them into strips and make gerbil blankets!

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Conversation With the Boys: Pep Talk Edition

J: How did your exam go yesterday?

M: Mmm, not that great, but I think it was okay.

J: How many questions did you get right?

M: I don't know - they haven't marked it yet.

J: Do you think you passed?

M: I think so. I have another one on Thursday.

J [chanting]: Go Mommy Go! Go Mommy Go! I want you to be a lawyer! I want you to be a lawyer! Go Mommy Go!

A [entering the room]: You want Mom to go?

J: No, "go" like "win".

A: Ohhh. [chanting] Win Mommy Win! Win your exam!

J + A: We want you to be a laaaaw-yer!

Friday, November 4, 2011

Conversation With an 8-Year-Old: Cost-Benefit Edition

Me: J, why don't you and your brother like the tooth fairy?

J: Because if we put our tooths under the pillow, you just throw them away in the garbage.

Me: But you get money for your teeth ...

J: Yeah, and then you throw them away! And after all this work we put into them. We clean them, and brush them, and make them nice and shiny, and then you just throw them away! If you bought them and then took care of them, that would be different.

Me: Okay, it's not really a purchase.

J: You want the tooths, I'll sell them to you if you promise not to throw them out.

Me: Yeah ... you can keep them.

Conversation With a 6-Year-Old: Old Fogey Edition

A: B and C and all the other boys at school are making jokes about doing "it".

Me: I'm sure they are. That's what kids at school do.

A: But, do you know what "it" is?

Me: Yes, yes I do.

A: Really?!

Me: Yes, I know what it means to do "it".

[A leaves the room]

[A pokes head into the room some time later]

A: It just means to do with S -- E -- X!

Me: Yes, I know that. People have been calling it "it" since before I was born. Possibly a lot longer than that.

A: Really? Wow.

Conversation With My Boys: Obligations Edition

J: Mom, I heard at school that when you're in Grade 6, you have to ...

Me: Yes?

J: Well, that you have to ...

Me: Have to what?

J: You have to when you're in Grade 6 take a girl out and dance with her.

Me: No, you definitely are under no obligation to do that in Grade 6.

J: Oh. Okay. I didn't think you had to. It was just what they said.

A: I didn't believe them at school, Mom. I believe you.

[I win!]

Monday, October 31, 2011

Conversation Between An 8-Year-Old and a 6-Year-Old: Pop Culture Edition

J: You like Justin Bieber.

A: No I don't! You do. I like Pokemon cards.

J: You wish you had Justin Bieber cards.

A: Oh YEAH?! Well. IF I had Justin Bieber cards, I would find a girl who liked Justin Bieber, and then I would give her the cards.

Conversation With An 8-Year-Old: Sartorial Edition (2)

J (Putting on his Indiana Jones costume): Mom, which of these ties goes better?

Me: Indiana Jones doesn't wear a tie.

J: He doesn't?!?

Conversation With an 8-Year-Old: Acronym Edition

J (looking at my friend's PLTC jack-o-lantern): What does that say?

Me: PLTC. It's the course I'm doing.

J: Public Law ... T ...

Me: Professional Legal Training Course. Good guess, though.

J: Why was it a good guess?

Me: Because public law is a real thing.

J: Yeah, I know.

Saturday, October 29, 2011

Conversation With My Boys: Costume Edition

Me: So, A - I've been thinking, and I think that the droid from Clone Wars costume idea is really cool, but it's going to be too hard to actually make. So, I was thinking - J, you still want to be Indiana Jones, right?

J: Yes.

Me: Right, so - sticking with that, if he's going as Indiana Jones, A, you could go as ...

Dad: A Nazi!

Me: No ...

A: Dad, are you crazy?!

Me: I was going to say, another great Harrison Ford character, Han Solo.

J: Or a Nazi. Dad, you could be a Nazi!

Me: Let's just talk about this later.

Conversation With a 6-Year-Old and an 8-Year-Old: Audio Edition

Me: Do you guys want to listen to some music? Or the radio?

J: Music. I've listened to enough radio today.

Me: Okay.

J: They were talking about war.

Me: They do talk a lot about war. What kind of music should we listen to?

J: I don't care. Anything.

A: Barracuda!

J: Anything EXCEPT Barracuda.

Me: How about we listen to Barracuda, and then you can pick a song?

J: Okay.

[A sings along with Barracuda]

Me: J, what do you want to listen to?

J: Land Down Under.

Conversation With a 6-Year-Old: Compliment Edition

A: Mom, your hair is as soft as a gerbil's.

Friday, October 28, 2011

Conversation With a 6-Year-Old: Strong Language Edition

A: Mom, do soldier guys say bad words?

Me: Why do you ask?

A: It just came into my head. Like, I bet they do.

Me: Yep, pretty sure they do.

[note to self: remind him this is not allowed to assist him in making his playground war games more realistic]

Conversation Between a 6-Year-Old and an 8-Year-Old: Woolgathering Edition

J: Do you do math yet at school?

A: Sometimes. When I'm with P. [The resource teacher] If I'm concentrating.

J: You sometimes wander off in your think, don't you? I do that.

A: Yeah, me too! I just wander off in my think, and I'm not concentrating, I'm doing other cool stuff!

J: Yeah, then I'm all [dramatically] "I'm J! The Scientist!!"

A: I'm a soldier.

J: Sometimes I just stop my daydream for a bit, and do some work. And then I can start it up at the same part later.

Conversation Between a 6-Year-Old and an 8-Year-Old: Friendship Edition

J: So, I sent boo-grams to a bunch of people, including E.

Me: Who's E?

J: She's in my class. She's my BFL.

Me: What's a BFO?

J: "BFL", Mom. Best Friend for Life.

Me: Ah.

J: She's a girl.

Me: Yes, I caught that.

A: It's okay, Mom. I had to ask what BFL meant, too. At first I was all like, "best friend live"? But that didn't make sense.

J: Yeah, you can have as many BFLs as you want. I have 3. E, and this other girl, who is a girl, whose name I forget, and L. [the neighbour's daughter]

A (incredulous): L?! She's your friend?!

J: Yeah.

A: She took our sticks!!!

J: She's still a friend.

A (darkly): She's not MY friend.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Conversation With an 8-Year-Old: Spa Edition (#2)

J (yelling from upstairs): who wants a massage?!
Me: Nobody. Nobody wants a massage.
J (appearing in the kitchen): But look! I made a massager! (holds up contraption upon which a toy truck wheel is being rotated by a LEGO motor)
Me: Very nice. No massage.

Conversation With The Boys: Stranger Danger Edition

A note came home from school today stating that a white guy in his mid-30s had approached a child from a neighbouring school in an old van, offered the kid candy, and then tried to grab the kid. My jaded gut suspects that this is bordering on "instead of a right hand, he had a HOOK!" territory, but of course there may very well be a sleazy dude out there who thinks old school dodgy vans and candy lures are the way to go.

In any event, the school has asked us to review stranger danger with the kids.

This is how that conversation turned out:

Me: ... and so, if a grown-up ever tries to get you to do something you think is wrong, or yucky, or makes you feel weird and you don't like it, tell a grown-up you trust right away. Don't worry about getting in trouble, or anyone getting mad at you, or making you feel embarrassed. Those kinds of things are always the grown-up's fault, never the kid's. Just tell a grown-up you trust.

J: Like who?

Me: Seriously?

A (snuggling up to me): *I* trust you, mom!

J: I meant AT SCHOOL.

Me: I was just kidding. Okay, well - - same deal. Tell a teacher you trust.

A: But sometimes, even if it's all someone else's fault, you still get in trouble.

Me: Oh, no. That won't happen.

A: Yes! Like, if you told on some kids who were knocking over cones, then you would get in trouble too, even though *you* weren't the one knocking over the cones!

Me: Okay ... this is different ...

J: What would happen to the grown-up?

Me: Well, the police would be called.

J: Would they go to jail?

Me: If they were charged and a judge found them guilty, then yes.

J: How long would they be in jail for?

Me: Hang on. I'll get my Criminal Code.

Conversation With a 6-Year-Old: Messianic Edition

A (to a friend): I can make a maple tree grow without a seed.

This is the same kid who said the following, when he was 3:

J: Mom, who is God?
Me: Well, that's a good question. Some people believe that God is an all-powerful being, who created everything in the universe.
J: Why do people believe that?
Me: Well, think about it. People can make a lot of things, but there are so many things in the world that people can't make. So, people over time have looked at the oceans, the mountains, the big trees, the rain and the snow, the rainbows, all the animals and fish, and birds, and they've thought, "wow! I can't imagine being powerful enough to make all those things! Somebody must have made them. Who could have done it?"

(long pause)

A: It was me!

Conversation With an 8-Year-Old: Taxonomy Edition


J: Mom, gerbils are kind of like tiny T-Rexs.
Me: How so?
J: They have short little arms and long tails, and big sharp teeth, and they can run fast.

Conversation With a 6-Year-Old: Ethnic Stereotype Edition


A (watching a video): that guy is really funny!
Me: Yes, he's quite the comedian.
A: Canadians ARE pretty funny! Why are Canadians so funny?
Me: (laughing)
A: What? What? Did you say Colombians?

Conversation With a 6-Year-Old: Cool Kids Edition


Me: So, J, how does the cafeteria work? Do classes sit together, or can you just sit with whoever you want?
J: You can just sit with whoever you want.
Me: So, if your brother ...
J: Oh! Yes! A can sit with me at lunch.
Me: Oh, good.
A: But I'm not going to sit with him. I'm going to sit with my friends.

Conversation With a 6-Year-Old: Sartorial Edition


Me (to my mother): Does this dress go with these sandals?
A (some time later): Mom! Mom! It works!
Me: What works?
A: Your dress, with the sandals. And the leaf earrings. You look like a ... a ... you look like a ballerina teacher.

Conversation With a Barista: Last Snob Standing Edition


At Fancy Coffee Joint:
Me: I'll get the iced caramel macchiato.
Her: Okay.
Me: Oh, wait. That says MOcchiato - you put chocolate in it, don't you?
Her: Yes.
Me: Sorry, can I get it with no chocolate, just caramel?
Her [snobbily]: Sure, but then it's not a macchiato, it's just a caramel latte.
Girl at the till next to her: Yeah, just a caramel latte.
Me: Riiiiiight. That's what I'll have.

For a moment I wanted to say, "actually, macchiato means 'spotted' and refers to 'marking' the espresso with milk - although around Vancouver it also seems to refer to drizzling syrup on top. But it doesn't require chocolate."

And then I realized I was being a pedantic yuppie jerk, and I went away and drank my delicious coffee. But seriously, if a place is going to be as snooty as this one is, shouldn't the employees know their fancy coffee terminology?

Conversation With a 6-Year-Old: Spa Edition


Me [cutting his toenails]: Man, your toenails were getting lo-- ...
A [cutting me off]: you don't have to chat, I'm just going to rest while you're finishing them.

It's not the beauty parlour, kid.

Conversation With a 5-Year-Old: Double Entendre Edition


A: Mom, did you know that there are two kinds of "hot"?
Me: Really?
A: Yep. Hot like an engine gets hot, like, you know, to touch...
Me: And what's the other kind of hot?
A: Well, a girl can be hot. Like, cute.
Me: Reeeeally. Where did you learn this?
A: P. told me.
J: Argh! Stop talking about it!!!
A: Mom, you're cute.
J: AAARGH!

Conversation With a 5-Year-Old: Excessive Force Edition


This story aired on the radio this morning: http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/british-columbia/story/2011/04/13/bc-saanich-camaso-ruling.html

A: Mom, did they say they're giving that lady money because they killed her husband?

Me: Well, it's a bit more complicated than that, but sort of, yes. The judge decided that the police officer shot the man when he could have done something else to stop him, that wouldn't have killed him, and so to help the man's family, the government will have to pay her the money.

A: I think the police officer should have to not do his job for a while. So he can think about it. Like a time out, for police.

Conversation With a 5-Year-Old: Rock and Roll Edition


A: Mom, what's a "banner"?
Me: What do you mean? Where did you hear it?
A: You know, like [stomp-stomp-clap] "wavin' your banner all over the place ... we will, we will ROCK YOU!"
Me: Oh, it's like a flag.

Conversation With a 5-Year-Old: Tax Edition


J: I'm saving my money to buy a LEGO Death Star.
A: You'll never get enough money! They're just tooooo expensive!
Dad: Well, they are pretty expensive, but he could get one if he saved enough. They cost $500.
A: No, they don't. Let me tell you how much they cost. They cost like $50,000.
Dad: No, they really do cost $500; I saw them at the store.
A: No, seriously - they are like $50,000 - $500 is just the tax.

Conversation With a 7-Year-Old: Gourmand Edition


J (entering the kitchen): Where is the, uh, caviar . . . no, what is it called?
Me: Ceviche.
J: Yeah, where is the ceviche?
Me: In the fridge.
J (hopefully): Do we also have caviar?
Me: No.
J: Aw, man.

Conversation With a 5-Year-Old: Indiana Jones Version


J (after watching Raiders of the Lost Ark): Mom, why did that girl write "love you" on her eyes?
Me: I guess because she wanted to tell Indiana Jones she loved him.
J: But why did she think she loved him?
Me: Well, maybe girls think Indiana Jones is cute.
A (indignantly): Indiana Jones is NOT cute! Indiana Jones is TOUGH!
Me: Yes, he's certainly tough.
A: I mean, do they know about his whip??!

Conversation With a 5-Year-Old: Law Enforcement Edition

A (as the bus passes a police car): Mom, those are the cops, right?

Me: Well, yes, although it's probably better to call them police.


A (exasperated): How come all we ever see is the cops??

Me: What do you mean? That's not true - we don't only ever see cops.

A: Yes, we do! Always cops, never robbers. Why don't we see the robbers??

Conversation With a 5-Year-Old: Donkey Edition

(riding on the bus, A is chattering away and I'm half listening)

A: . . . so I think there should be a word that everyone in the world knows except donkeys.

Me: What? A word everyone knows except donkeys?

A: Yep.

Me: Why?

A: Because they're evil. The kitties would know it, and the dogs, but not donkeys. (pause) Or skunks. Only useful animals.

Me: But donkeys are useful!

A: Why?

Me: Well, they work on farms, and people can ride them, and they can carry things.

A: But they have sharp teeth.

Me: Mmmm, sharp enough, I guess.

A: You'd have to tie them up tight, so they couldn't bite through their rope. (pause) Their teeth are as sharp as ours.

Me: Interesting.

A (whispering): Want to know a secret?

Me: Okay.

A: Some little teeth are the sharpest. Like, little teeth (pointing to own mouth) can be even stronger than a big kid's fingers.

Me: Did you bite your brother's fingers?

A: . . . . yes.

Conversation With a 5-Year-Old: Cross Examination Edition

A: Mom, the lego drawer is in a different place.

Me (looking): Oh, I see that it is.

A: Did you move it?

Me: No.

A: Me either. Maybe a ghost moved it.

Me: I think it's highly unlikely that a ghost moved it.

A: Aha! So there are such things as ghosts!

Me: Um, that's not what I meant.

A: But it's possible. That there are.

Conversation With a 4-Year-Old: Animal Intelligence Edition

"Mom, chickens don't know we eat chickens, do they?"

"No, I don't think they do."

"They're so silly."

"Well, I think it's just that they are not the smartest creatures out there."

"Yeah, you're right - tigers are."