Conversation Between An 8-Year-Old and a 6-Year-Old: Pop Culture Edition

J: You like Justin Bieber.

A: No I don't! You do. I like Pokemon cards.

J: You wish you had Justin Bieber cards.

A: Oh YEAH?! Well. IF I had Justin Bieber cards, I would find a girl who liked Justin Bieber, and then I would give her the cards.

Conversation With An 8-Year-Old: Sartorial Edition (2)

J (Putting on his Indiana Jones costume): Mom, which of these ties goes better?

Me: Indiana Jones doesn't wear a tie.

J: He doesn't?!?

Conversation With an 8-Year-Old: Acronym Edition

J (looking at my friend's PLTC jack-o-lantern): What does that say?

Me: PLTC. It's the course I'm doing.

J: Public Law ... T ...

Me: Professional Legal Training Course. Good guess, though.

J: Why was it a good guess?

Me: Because public law is a real thing.

J: Yeah, I know.

Conversation With My Boys: Costume Edition

Me: So, A - I've been thinking, and I think that the droid from Clone Wars costume idea is really cool, but it's going to be too hard to actually make. So, I was thinking - J, you still want to be Indiana Jones, right?

J: Yes.

Me: Right, so - sticking with that, if he's going as Indiana Jones, A, you could go as ...

Dad: A Nazi!

Me: No ...

A: Dad, are you crazy?!

Me: I was going to say, another great Harrison Ford character, Han Solo.

J: Or a Nazi. Dad, you could be a Nazi!

Me: Let's just talk about this later.

Conversation With a 6-Year-Old and an 8-Year-Old: Audio Edition

Me: Do you guys want to listen to some music? Or the radio?

J: Music. I've listened to enough radio today.

Me: Okay.

J: They were talking about war.

Me: They do talk a lot about war. What kind of music should we listen to?

J: I don't care. Anything.

A: Barracuda!

J: Anything EXCEPT Barracuda.

Me: How about we listen to Barracuda, and then you can pick a song?

J: Okay.

[A sings along with Barracuda]

Me: J, what do you want to listen to?

J: Land Down Under.

Conversation With a 6-Year-Old: Compliment Edition

A: Mom, your hair is as soft as a gerbil's.

Conversation With a 6-Year-Old: Strong Language Edition

A: Mom, do soldier guys say bad words?

Me: Why do you ask?

A: It just came into my head. Like, I bet they do.

Me: Yep, pretty sure they do.

[note to self: remind him this is not allowed to assist him in making his playground war games more realistic]

Conversation Between a 6-Year-Old and an 8-Year-Old: Woolgathering Edition

J: Do you do math yet at school?

A: Sometimes. When I'm with P. [The resource teacher] If I'm concentrating.

J: You sometimes wander off in your think, don't you? I do that.

A: Yeah, me too! I just wander off in my think, and I'm not concentrating, I'm doing other cool stuff!

J: Yeah, then I'm all [dramatically] "I'm J! The Scientist!!"

A: I'm a soldier.

J: Sometimes I just stop my daydream for a bit, and do some work. And then I can start it up at the same part later.

Conversation Between a 6-Year-Old and an 8-Year-Old: Friendship Edition

J: So, I sent boo-grams to a bunch of people, including E.

Me: Who's E?

J: She's in my class. She's my BFL.

Me: What's a BFO?

J: "BFL", Mom. Best Friend for Life.

Me: Ah.

J: She's a girl.

Me: Yes, I caught that.

A: It's okay, Mom. I had to ask what BFL meant, too. At first I was all like, "best friend live"? But that didn't make sense.

J: Yeah, you can have as many BFLs as you want. I have 3. E, and this other girl, who is a girl, whose name I forget, and L. [the neighbour's daughter]

A (incredulous): L?! She's your friend?!

J: Yeah.

A: She took our sticks!!!

J: She's still a friend.

A (darkly): She's not MY friend.

Conversation With an 8-Year-Old: Spa Edition (#2)

J (yelling from upstairs): who wants a massage?!
Me: Nobody. Nobody wants a massage.
J (appearing in the kitchen): But look! I made a massager! (holds up contraption upon which a toy truck wheel is being rotated by a LEGO motor)
Me: Very nice. No massage.

Conversation With The Boys: Stranger Danger Edition

A note came home from school today stating that a white guy in his mid-30s had approached a child from a neighbouring school in an old van, offered the kid candy, and then tried to grab the kid. My jaded gut suspects that this is bordering on "instead of a right hand, he had a HOOK!" territory, but of course there may very well be a sleazy dude out there who thinks old school dodgy vans and candy lures are the way to go.

In any event, the school has asked us to review stranger danger with the kids.

This is how that conversation turned out:

Me: ... and so, if a grown-up ever tries to get you to do something you think is wrong, or yucky, or makes you feel weird and you don't like it, tell a grown-up you trust right away. Don't worry about getting in trouble, or anyone getting mad at you, or making you feel embarrassed. Those kinds of things are always the grown-up's fault, never the kid's. Just tell a grown-up you trust.

J: Like who?

Me: Seriously?

A (snuggling up to me): *I* trust you, mom!

J: I meant AT SCHOOL.

Me: I was just kidding. Okay, well - - same deal. Tell a teacher you trust.

A: But sometimes, even if it's all someone else's fault, you still get in trouble.

Me: Oh, no. That won't happen.

A: Yes! Like, if you told on some kids who were knocking over cones, then you would get in trouble too, even though *you* weren't the one knocking over the cones!

Me: Okay ... this is different ...

J: What would happen to the grown-up?

Me: Well, the police would be called.

J: Would they go to jail?

Me: If they were charged and a judge found them guilty, then yes.

J: How long would they be in jail for?

Me: Hang on. I'll get my Criminal Code.

Conversation With a 6-Year-Old: Messianic Edition

A (to a friend): I can make a maple tree grow without a seed.

This is the same kid who said the following, when he was 3:

J: Mom, who is God?
Me: Well, that's a good question. Some people believe that God is an all-powerful being, who created everything in the universe.
J: Why do people believe that?
Me: Well, think about it. People can make a lot of things, but there are so many things in the world that people can't make. So, people over time have looked at the oceans, the mountains, the big trees, the rain and the snow, the rainbows, all the animals and fish, and birds, and they've thought, "wow! I can't imagine being powerful enough to make all those things! Somebody must have made them. Who could have done it?"

(long pause)

A: It was me!

Conversation With an 8-Year-Old: Taxonomy Edition

J: Mom, gerbils are kind of like tiny T-Rexs.

Me: How so?

J: They have short little arms and long tails, and big sharp teeth, and they can run fast.

Conversation With a 6-Year-Old: Ethnic Stereotype Edition

A (watching a video): that guy is really funny!

Me: Yes, he's quite the comedian.

A: Canadians ARE pretty funny! Why are Canadians so funny?

Me: (laughing)

A: What? What? Did you say Colombians?

Conversation With a 6-Year-Old: Cool Kids Edition

Me: So, J, how does the cafeteria work? Do classes sit together, or can you just sit with whoever you want?

J: You can just sit with whoever you want.

Me: So, if your brother ...

J: Oh! Yes! A can sit with me at lunch.

Me: Oh, good.

A: But I'm not going to sit with him. I'm going to sit with my friends.

Conversation With a 6-Year-Old: Sartorial Edition

Me (to my mother): Does this dress go with these sandals?

A (some time later): Mom! Mom! It works!

Me: What works?

A: Your dress, with the sandals. And the leaf earrings. You look like a ... a ... you look like a ballerina teacher.

Conversation With a Barista: Last Snob Standing Edition

At Fancy Coffee Joint:

Me: I'll get the iced caramel macchiato.

Her: Okay.

Me: Oh, wait. That says MOcchiato - you put chocolate in it, don't you?

Her: Yes.

Me: Sorry, can I get it with no chocolate, just caramel?

Her [snobbily]: Sure, but then it's not a macchiato, it's just a caramel latte.

Girl at the till next to her: Yeah, just a caramel latte.

Me: Riiiiiight. That's what I'll have.

For a moment I wanted to say, "actually, macchiato means 'spotted' and refers to 'marking' the espresso with milk - although around Vancouver it also seems to refer to drizzling syrup on top. But it doesn't require chocolate."

And then I realized I was being a pedantic yuppie jerk, and I went away and drank my delicious coffee. But seriously, if a place is going to be as snooty as this one is, shouldn't the employees know their fancy coffee terminology?

Conversation With a 6-Year-Old: Spa Edition

Me [cutting his toenails]: Man, your toenails were getting lo-- ...

A [cutting me off]: you don't have to chat, I'm just going to rest while you're finishing them.

It's not the beauty parlour, kid.

Conversation With a 5-Year-Old: Double Entendre Edition

A: Mom, did you know that there are two kinds of "hot"?

Me: Really?

A: Yep. Hot like an engine gets hot, like, you know, to touch...

Me: And what's the other kind of hot?

A: Well, a girl can be hot. Like, cute.

Me: Reeeeally. Where did you learn this?

A: P. told me.

J: Argh! Stop talking about it!!!

A: Mom, you're cute.

J: AAARGH!

Conversation With a 5-Year-Old: Excessive Force Edition

This story aired on the radio this morning: http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/british-columbia/story/2011/04/13/bc-saanich-camaso-ruling.html

A: Mom, did they say they're giving that lady money because they killed her husband?

Me: Well, it's a bit more complicated than that, but sort of, yes. The judge decided that the police officer shot the man when he could have done something else to stop him, that wouldn't have killed him, and so to help the man's family, the government will have to pay her the money.

A: I think the police officer should have to not do his job for a while. So he can think about it. Like a time out, for police.

Conversation With a 5-Year-Old: Rock and Roll Edition

A: Mom, what's a "banner"?

Me: What do you mean? Where did you hear it?

A: You know, like [stomp-stomp-clap] "wavin' your banner all over the place ... we will, we will ROCK YOU!"

Me: Oh, it's like a flag.

Conversation With a 5-Year-Old: Tax Edition

J: I'm saving my money to buy a LEGO Death Star.

A: You'll never get enough money! They're just tooooo expensive!

Dad: Well, they are pretty expensive, but he could get one if he saved enough. They cost $500.

A: No, they don't. Let me tell you how much they cost. They cost like $50,000.

Dad: No, they really do cost $500; I saw them at the store.

A: No, seriously - they are like $50,000 - $500 is just the tax.

Conversation With a 7-Year-Old: Gourmand Edition

J (entering the kitchen): Where is the, uh, caviar . . . no, what is it called?

Me: Ceviche.

J: Yeah, where is the ceviche?

Me: In the fridge.

J (hopefully): Do we also have caviar?

Me: No.

J: Aw, man.

Conversation With a 5-Year-Old: Indiana Jones Version

J (after watching Raiders of the Lost Ark): Mom, why did that girl write "love you" on her eyes?

Me: I guess because she wanted to tell Indiana Jones she loved him.

J: But why did she think she loved him?

Me: Well, maybe girls think Indiana Jones is cute.

A (indignantly): Indiana Jones is NOT cute! Indiana Jones is TOUGH!

Me: Yes, he's certainly tough.

A: I mean, do they know about his whip??!

Conversation With a 5-Year-Old: Law Enforcement Edition

A (as the bus passes a police car): Mom, those are the cops, right?

Me: Well, yes, although it's probably better to call them police.


A (exasperated): How come all we ever see is the cops??

Me: What do you mean? That's not true - we don't only ever see cops.

A: Yes, we do! Always cops, never robbers. Why don't we see the robbers??

Conversation With a 5-Year-Old: Donkey Edition

(riding on the bus, A is chattering away and I'm half listening)

A: . . . so I think there should be a word that everyone in the world knows except donkeys.

Me: What? A word everyone knows except donkeys?

A: Yep.

Me: Why?

A: Because they're evil. The kitties would know it, and the dogs, but not donkeys. (pause) Or skunks. Only useful animals.

Me: But donkeys are useful!

A: Why?

Me: Well, they work on farms, and people can ride them, and they can carry things.

A: But they have sharp teeth.

Me: Mmmm, sharp enough, I guess.

A: You'd have to tie them up tight, so they couldn't bite through their rope. (pause) Their teeth are as sharp as ours.

Me: Interesting.

A (whispering): Want to know a secret?

Me: Okay.

A: Some little teeth are the sharpest. Like, little teeth (pointing to own mouth) can be even stronger than a big kid's fingers.

Me: Did you bite your brother's fingers?

A: . . . . yes.

Conversation With a 5-Year-Old: Cross Examination Edition

A: Mom, the lego drawer is in a different place.

Me (looking): Oh, I see that it is.

A: Did you move it?

Me: No.

A: Me either. Maybe a ghost moved it.

Me: I think it's highly unlikely that a ghost moved it.

A: Aha! So there are such things as ghosts!

Me: Um, that's not what I meant.

A: But it's possible. That there are.

Conversation With a 4-Year-Old: Animal Intelligence Edition

"Mom, chickens don't know we eat chickens, do they?"

"No, I don't think they do."

"They're so silly."

"Well, I think it's just that they are not the smartest creatures out there."

"Yeah, you're right - tigers are."