Conversations With My Boys: East Asia Edition

On the trip to China and Japan:

[We land in heavy smog in Beijing]

A: Actually, this looks just like Manitoba.

Me: That's because you can't see any of it.

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J (on drinking vanilla soda): This tastes identical to Inca Kola!

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J (upon discovering Coke flavoured Mentos): I have Coke, and I have Coke Mentos. I want to do a science experiment in my mouth!

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Dad: You guys don't know who Confucius was?

J: No.

Dad: Well, he was a teacher, and he's pretty famous, someone whose teachings are so well known and respected that he's kind of worshiped. A bit like Mohammad, or Jesus, or ...

J: He's like someone in my class?

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A (holding incense for the Tibetan Lama Temple): Hey J! This makes a great machine gun! Chk-chk-chk-chk-chk! We're the Incense Troopers!

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J (upon seeing electric lamps in the Lama Temple): So, they do use electricity? They work it into their culture?

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A (at the central Beijing train station): Anybody tries to pick MY pocket, they'll find a LOT of junk.

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[I start paying attention to the kids' dialogue in time to hear this]

A: ... and he tried to look innocent, but it's hard to look innocent when you're English.

J: What?

A: You know, English. From England.

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A: I'm starving!! ... Not really. I was being DRO-matic.

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J (on arriving at our hosts' in Hebei): They're treating us a bit like kings.

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A: I will always remember my first taste of fresh goat's milk! Mostly because I took a picture of it with my iPod Touch.

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A (after visiting his first Japanese restroom): They have bum squirters!

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J: What does "obedient" mean? ... Why are you laughing?!?!

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A: Japan and China are really very different, aren't they? But in Canada, people treat them like they're practically the same!

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J (peeling himself off a wall after seeing his first bullet train): That scared the heck - the H-E-double hockey sticks - out of me!

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A: J could strip the bones of half a mermaid in seconds flat.

Me: What?

A: Well, there are some fish that can strip the bones of a person in seconds flat. And J loves to eat fish. And I think you know that mermaids are half fish.

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A: Ninjas could kill any animal. By befriending it and then when they share a meal, poisoning its food.

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Me (as we arrive in Vancouver): Wow, look at that blue sky! Where's the smog?

J (rolling eyes): Mom! It's not Beijing!

Conversation With a 10-Year-Old: Stalling Edition

J [After the lights are off, as I'm tucking him into bed]: So, Mom?

Me: Yes?

J: How was your day today?

Me: Just fine, kid.

J: Did you get any exciting new cases?

Me: Well, I ... wait. Nice try, son. Go to sleep.