Conversation With a 6-Year-Old: Realism Edition

A: If you wanted to make a LEGO nuclear bomb, it would have to be about this big [extends arms in a circle].

Me: Oh ... I suppose so?

A, resignedly: But then you'd need a LOT of LEGO skeletons.

Conversation Between the Boys: Plot Convention Edition

[From the back seat - A has made a stick figure from twist ties]

A: My guy is called Mr. Green. And he's like a super hero.

J: What are the other characters?

A: Well, there's Mr. Heart, who is nice and has lots of love and feelings.

J: But Mr. Green wants to beat him up anyway!

A: No, Mr. Green wants to marry him - her.

J: Fine, Mr. Green wants to marry Miss Heart.

A: Yeah, but he has to get Mr. Heart first.

J: Okay, but doesn't Mr. Green fight anybody?

A: Yeah - Mr. Pain.

Conversation With a 9-Year-Old: Universal Truth Edition

Me: Ugh. Cramps.

J: What's wrong?

Me: I just have cramps.

J: From what?

Me: From my period.

J: Oh. How many times does that happen? Like, once a year?

Me: Try once a month.

J: Oh, that's too bad. But then it means you can have babies, right?

Me: Sort of. Yes, yes, I guess that's basically what it means.

J: It's sort of like, "you get to have babies, but you have to have this bad thing happen to get the prize, which is the babies." So, it's like a curse.

Me: Did you just say the period is like a curse?

J [defensively]: Well, it is!! Kind of, you know?

Me: Did you hear it called the curse somewhere?

J: No, but it kind of makes sense, doesn't it?

Conversation With a 6-Year-Old: Blowing Smoke Edition

A [as our bus goes over the Granville Bridge]: Mom, are we high?

Me: Well, I'm not ...

A: Huh?

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A [after purchasing a box of Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans]: Mom, do you like grass? You should try grass. Wanna try grass?? .... Why are you laughing!?

Conversation With My Kids: Keen Observation Edition

J, at LegoLand: Dad! Dad!! Look!! They have LEGO!!!

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A, leaving a Peruvian restaurant, after all we've talked about is the Peruvian food and decor and drinks, and Inca Kola: Wait! Was that a Peruvian restaurant?!

Conversation With a 9-Year-Old: Attitude Edition

Me: J, you really need to stop bossing your brother around.

J: Mom, I think you know where I get that from, right?

Me: ummmm. Where?

J: From X [friend at school]. He's so bossy!

Conversation With a 6-Year-Old: Stieg Larssen Edition

Me: Okay, guys, stop sticking things in the fireplace. That's enough.

A: But I can't stop. I'm the Boy Who Played With Fire.