A, as he is being tucked into bed: "So, I learned a basic fact today."
Me: "Yeah?"
A: "Yeah, it turns out that Athena didn't just burst straight out of Zeus's head."
Me: "Oh, no?"
A: "No. Zeus was complaining about a really bad headache, so he got this guy to split his head open with an ax, and then Athena came out."
Me: "Wow, so she didn't so much spring out as get cut out, huh?"
A: "I guess so. Talk about a dramatic entrance!"
Tuesday, January 20, 2015
Saturday, August 9, 2014
Conversation With an 11-Year-Old: Don Juan Edition
Me, as we're walking downtown with our visitors: And this street (pointing up street overhung with large, shady trees) is where people come at night to make out. And pee.
J: What's "make out"?
Me: Like, kissing.
J: Why here?
Me: I guess because it's dark, they can be in the shadows, so they feel more private?
J: I wouldn't kiss in the shadows. I'd kiss in the light right under a streetlamp. That's more romantic. And then as you kissed YOU would cast a shadow ... of love.
J: What's "make out"?
Me: Like, kissing.
J: Why here?
Me: I guess because it's dark, they can be in the shadows, so they feel more private?
J: I wouldn't kiss in the shadows. I'd kiss in the light right under a streetlamp. That's more romantic. And then as you kissed YOU would cast a shadow ... of love.
Thursday, July 3, 2014
Conversation With an 11-Year-Old: Prayer Edition
J: Mom, I know quite a lot about prayering.
Me: About praying?
J: Yeah. Because we have to do it at school. It's in Spanish, but I can translate it for you. I might not get it exact, but I mostly know it. It goes "Santa Maria, madre de Dios, ruega por nos ... ahora y en la hora de nuestra muestra" - it means "Santa Mary, mother of Zeus, pray for us now and when he shows up."
Me: About praying?
J: Yeah. Because we have to do it at school. It's in Spanish, but I can translate it for you. I might not get it exact, but I mostly know it. It goes "Santa Maria, madre de Dios, ruega por nos ... ahora y en la hora de nuestra muestra" - it means "Santa Mary, mother of Zeus, pray for us now and when he shows up."
Wednesday, June 25, 2014
Conversation With a 9-Year-Old: Preparation Edition
A: So, today's Wednesday.
Me: Yes.
A: And tomorrow's Thursday ...
Me: ... yes?
A: And then Friday we don't have to go to school because we're going to Chile?
Me: That's right. Two more days of school, then a five day weekend while we're in Chile.
A: We should probably take tomorrow off to pack.
Me: Nice try, kid.
A: Or we could take today off to pack, and go to school tomorrow.
Me: You don't need a full day to pack for a five day trip.
A: I just want to be prepared!
Me: Right.
Me: Yes.
A: And tomorrow's Thursday ...
Me: ... yes?
A: And then Friday we don't have to go to school because we're going to Chile?
Me: That's right. Two more days of school, then a five day weekend while we're in Chile.
A: We should probably take tomorrow off to pack.
Me: Nice try, kid.
A: Or we could take today off to pack, and go to school tomorrow.
Me: You don't need a full day to pack for a five day trip.
A: I just want to be prepared!
Me: Right.
Conversation With the Boys: Colour Edition
J: Mom, when Persephone comes to live with us, we should get her a purple collar. Like, a magenta colour of purple.
A: Or a darker shade of purple. With silver bones on it.
[Magenta? Since when do my kids know what magenta is?]
A: Or a darker shade of purple. With silver bones on it.
[Magenta? Since when do my kids know what magenta is?]
Tuesday, June 10, 2014
Conversation With a 9-Year-Old: Moral Support Edition
Me: Good night, sweetie.
A: Mom? Are you almost done your work?
Me: Well, I'm about halfway done.
A: When you're done, it's going to feel like ... ahhhhh! And I am pretty sure that if I'm asleep when you're done, my spirit in my dream will congratulate you. And then tomorrow morning I will congratulate you awake!
A: Mom? Are you almost done your work?
Me: Well, I'm about halfway done.
A: When you're done, it's going to feel like ... ahhhhh! And I am pretty sure that if I'm asleep when you're done, my spirit in my dream will congratulate you. And then tomorrow morning I will congratulate you awake!
Tuesday, May 27, 2014
Conversation With The Boys: Get Off My Lawn Edition
J: Stampylongnose has more YouTube subscribers than One Direction!
Husband, baffled: ... what's One Direction?
Husband, baffled: ... what's One Direction?
Friday, May 9, 2014
Conversation With an 8-Year-Old: Swearing in Front of the Kids Edition
[Last night around 6, after I received an email from J's teacher specifying what he should wear for the Mother's Day performance today]
Me: A, do you have to wear anything special for school tomorrow? For the show?
A: I just have to change into a rabbit suit once we get there.
Me: But what do we have to do here? Anything special we need to do here?
A: I just wear my uniform and get changed into the rabbit suit at school.
Me: Okay, cool.
[This morning 15 minutes before the bus arrives]
Me: J, a black shirt for school has to be black, not black with stuff all over it.
J: My teacher said it could have something little on it.
[The whole front of his black shirt is covered in a white skull and thistle motif and says in giant letters "East End Radicals]
Me: Go change!
J: I don't have anything!
A: And I still need you to make me a rabbit suit!
Me: ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?! SHIT!!!
Kids: [Shocked silence]
Me: A, do you have to wear anything special for school tomorrow? For the show?
A: I just have to change into a rabbit suit once we get there.
Me: But what do we have to do here? Anything special we need to do here?
A: I just wear my uniform and get changed into the rabbit suit at school.
Me: Okay, cool.
[This morning 15 minutes before the bus arrives]
Me: J, a black shirt for school has to be black, not black with stuff all over it.
J: My teacher said it could have something little on it.
[The whole front of his black shirt is covered in a white skull and thistle motif and says in giant letters "East End Radicals]
Me: Go change!
J: I don't have anything!
A: And I still need you to make me a rabbit suit!
Me: ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?! SHIT!!!
Kids: [Shocked silence]
Wednesday, May 7, 2014
Conversation With an 8-Year-Old: Supply and Demand Edition
A: Mom, you might want to drink a bit less wine for the next few months. It's winter, and you don't want to run out of wine before the grapes start growing again.
Wednesday, March 5, 2014
Conversation With an 8-Year-Old: Culinary Innovation Edition
A [after eating jia chang dou fu]: Mom! I just invented the best food ever!
Me: Yes?
A: So, what you would do is, you would cook marrow bones, but in this sauce!
Me: Like, osso buco but in the sauce we just ate?
A: Yes!
Me: I can certainly do that.
A: Oh, thank you thank you!! [jumps up and hugs me]
Me: Yes?
A: So, what you would do is, you would cook marrow bones, but in this sauce!
Me: Like, osso buco but in the sauce we just ate?
A: Yes!
Me: I can certainly do that.
A: Oh, thank you thank you!! [jumps up and hugs me]
Monday, February 10, 2014
Conversation With an 11-Year-Old: Multipurpose Edition
J [showing me his Lego creation]: And this is the gun. Except sometimes it's also a fish roaster.
[Balances Lego fish on gun]
[Balances Lego fish on gun]
Conversation With an 8-Year-Old: Hobbit Edition
[Watching The Return of the Kings]
A: Merry and Pippin are drunk as LORDS.
Husband: Drunk as lords?
A: Yes. As lords.
A: Merry and Pippin are drunk as LORDS.
Husband: Drunk as lords?
A: Yes. As lords.
Wednesday, January 22, 2014
Conversation With an 8-Year-Old: Scientific Quantification Edition
A: Scientists are trying to prove that chinchillas are the softest animals, but they're just wrong. Bunnies are.
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
Conversation With an 8-Year-Old: Undead Edition
A, breaking a toothpick in half and making the sign of the cross with it: Back, tiny vampire!!
Thursday, January 2, 2014
Conversation With an 8-Year-Old: Morning Breath Edition
A [upon emerging from his bedroom after sleeping till 11, following our late night arrival in Lima]: I washed my mouth out.
Me [sniffing]: With that Peruvian mouthwash? I thought that stuff was terrible.
A: Yeah, but my mouth was worse.
Me: Well, after all that -
A: - tropical air.
Me: I was going to say "sleep".
A: Tropical air does make your breath worse.
Me [sniffing]: With that Peruvian mouthwash? I thought that stuff was terrible.
A: Yeah, but my mouth was worse.
Me: Well, after all that -
A: - tropical air.
Me: I was going to say "sleep".
A: Tropical air does make your breath worse.
Wednesday, December 4, 2013
Conversation With a 10-Year-Old: Adaptation Edition
J, in Lima: I'm tired. Must be the altitude.
Me: There is no altitude. We're at sea level.
J: Huh. Must be the weather, then.
Me: There is no altitude. We're at sea level.
J: Huh. Must be the weather, then.
Conversation With An 8-Year-Old: Twue Wuv Edition
[we've just finished watching the bride and groom's first dance at a wedding]
A: That was what I call one hundred percent romance.
A: That was what I call one hundred percent romance.
Saturday, October 26, 2013
Conversation With an 8-Year-Old: Angelina Jolie Edition
A (watching Tomb Raider on TV): She smiles like crazy.
[she hasn't smiled that much]
Me: You mean, she smiles a lot? Or like she's crazy?
A: ... both.
[she hasn't smiled that much]
Me: You mean, she smiles a lot? Or like she's crazy?
A: ... both.
Conversation With an 8-Year-Old: Double Meaning Edition
A (on the bus): Willow Street? There's a Willow Street? Willow's a kind of tree!
Me: Yeah, a lot of streets in Vancouver are named after trees. Like Oak Street.
A: Oh, yeah! But ... that's Heather Street. Heather's a girl's name.
Me: And a kind of plant, actually.
A: Ash Street? Ash isn't a tree.
Me: Actually, it is. Ash is the name of a kind of tree.
A: Ash is what you get when you burn a tree.
Me: Yeah, a lot of streets in Vancouver are named after trees. Like Oak Street.
A: Oh, yeah! But ... that's Heather Street. Heather's a girl's name.
Me: And a kind of plant, actually.
A: Ash Street? Ash isn't a tree.
Me: Actually, it is. Ash is the name of a kind of tree.
A: Ash is what you get when you burn a tree.
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
Conversations With My Family: Summer Vacation Edition
A (hugging me): Mom? Your heart sounds like a rock band.
________________________
5-year-old niece, pensively: Auntie Melania, you have blonde skin.
________________________
A: I know what the birthplace of jazz is.
Me: Oh, yeah? Where?
A: Wales.
Me: What? Wales?
A: Yes. I think so.
Me: I don't think it is. I think Wales is known to be a very musical place, but I think a number of American cities would consider themselves the birthplace of jazz, and Wales is in Europe.
A: Okay, but I know who invented jazz.
Me: Who?
A: Loo-Iss Armstrong.
________________________
A: Do you know what monster humans are most afraid of?
Me: No.
A: I'll give you a hint. It's like a big snake.
Me: A dragon?
A: No.
Me: A sea serpent?
A: No.
Me: Is this a real monster or a made up one?
A: A made up one. They're scared of it in Japan.
Me: I don't know.
A: Godzilla!!
Me: Ohhh - Godzilla is nothing like a snake.
A: It's a bit like a snake.
Me: It's more like a lizard than a snake.
A: Why do you think it's called Godzilla?
Me: Oh, I don't know.
A: Well, I know the first part. I mean, "God" ...
Me: Oh, but you know, the sounds that make up the name in Japanese could just happen to mean something in English, that they don't really mean. Like, "peru" means "turkey" in Portuguese, not the country at all, and "dude" means "worm" in Arabic.
A: Really?
Me: Yep. Made for some awkward moments in Tunisia.
A: Wouldn't it be funny if "god" meant "ice cream" in Japanese? Then you could say "we're eating gods for dessert! We feast upon the gods!" and if the gods got mad, you could just say, "no, we meant ice cream."
_____________________________
A (examining his Pirate Pack on the ferry): I bet even I could take this ship. Not one of these sailors is carrying a sword! And is anyone guarding the treasure?! No!
________________________
5-year-old niece, pensively: Auntie Melania, you have blonde skin.
________________________
A: I know what the birthplace of jazz is.
Me: Oh, yeah? Where?
A: Wales.
Me: What? Wales?
A: Yes. I think so.
Me: I don't think it is. I think Wales is known to be a very musical place, but I think a number of American cities would consider themselves the birthplace of jazz, and Wales is in Europe.
A: Okay, but I know who invented jazz.
Me: Who?
A: Loo-Iss Armstrong.
________________________
A: Do you know what monster humans are most afraid of?
Me: No.
A: I'll give you a hint. It's like a big snake.
Me: A dragon?
A: No.
Me: A sea serpent?
A: No.
Me: Is this a real monster or a made up one?
A: A made up one. They're scared of it in Japan.
Me: I don't know.
A: Godzilla!!
Me: Ohhh - Godzilla is nothing like a snake.
A: It's a bit like a snake.
Me: It's more like a lizard than a snake.
A: Why do you think it's called Godzilla?
Me: Oh, I don't know.
A: Well, I know the first part. I mean, "God" ...
Me: Oh, but you know, the sounds that make up the name in Japanese could just happen to mean something in English, that they don't really mean. Like, "peru" means "turkey" in Portuguese, not the country at all, and "dude" means "worm" in Arabic.
A: Really?
Me: Yep. Made for some awkward moments in Tunisia.
A: Wouldn't it be funny if "god" meant "ice cream" in Japanese? Then you could say "we're eating gods for dessert! We feast upon the gods!" and if the gods got mad, you could just say, "no, we meant ice cream."
_____________________________
A (examining his Pirate Pack on the ferry): I bet even I could take this ship. Not one of these sailors is carrying a sword! And is anyone guarding the treasure?! No!
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