Conversation With a 7-Year-Old: Mispronunciation Edition

A: So, I know some stuff about Jews.

Me: I beg your pardon?

A: You know, Jews? Like, the ancient Greek god who ruled the skies?

Me: Ooooh. Zeus.

A: Yeah, him.

Conversation With a 10-Year-Old: Fantasy Geek Edition

J, after seeing the Hobbit: I wish I could have a white warg!

Me: ... ??? ...

J: I mean, a baby one! That isn't evil! And I could train it!

Me: I think you want a direwolf.

J: A what?

Me: Like a warg, sort of. You'll learn about them later.

Conversation With a 9-Year-Old: Damage Control Edition

[My cell phone rings at work]

Me: Hello?

J: Hi Mom.

Me: Hi sweetie. How are you?

J: What [the nanny] says I did isn't true!!!

Me: .... um, she didn't say you did anything.

J: She didn't call you?

Me: ... no ...

J: Oh. Well, I love you Mom. Bye.

*click*

Conversations With My Family: Christmas 2012 Edition

Me (to my Dad): So, if you have any kindling you need chopped, just let me know.

Dad: You want to chop wood?

Me: I like splitting wood.

Husband: ... and hairs ...
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My Dad: I split all my green poplar at minus 20.
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My 4-year-old niece (pretending to give eggnog to a moose ornament, and singing softly): He knows when you've been drinking, he knows when you're awake ...
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A: Are the stockings hanged?

Me: Stockings are hung, dear. People are hanged.

A: Oh, right.
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J, magnanimously: You can put any pictures of me you want to on Facebook, Mom. That's my Christmas present to you.
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[watching TV with a sick A at the hotel]

A: Walsh College? Is that a college that's only for Walsh people?
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J (after throwing up twice): I'm dying!! Take me to the hospital!

A (after throwing up every 15 minutes for 4 straight hours): Mom, I don't really feel that well.
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J (in reference to the cheap motel we ended up at in Brandon): Mom, this place is pretty much Paradise.
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Grandfather-in-law: So, I don't know if you people have a CD player, but I thought you might be interested in this [hands me a box set of Guy Lombardo LPs].

Me: I will find a turntable, never fear.
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My cousin (late in the evening): Oh my God! You know what they should sell?! Loaves of SANDWICHES.
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Mother-in-law: Well, as they say - "forgive us our Christmases, as we forgive those who Christmas against us."