Conversation With a 9-Year-Old: Division of Labour Edition

J: Okay, so here's the plan. You clean the gerbil cage while we watch the gerbils, so they don't escape. Then you can do laundry and clean the kitchen, while we watch a show.

Me: Um, no. I'm going to put in the first load of laundry, then we'll do the gerbil cage, and then you need to practice your piano.

J: You're so unfair!

Conversation With a 9-Year-Old: Star-Crossed Edition

J: E hasn't told her mom she has a crush on me.

Me: Well, some kids don't tell their moms everything. I guess it's up to her what she tells her mom.

J: She hasn't told her mom because her mom doesn't want her to date.

Me: Um, she's 8 years old. Nobody wants her to date.

Conversation With a 9-Year-Old: Legal Osmosis Edition

J: So, in Alice in Wonderland, I'm not just a card anymore. I'm the executor!

Me: Like, you handle people's wills?

J: What? I cut cards up with a giant pair of scissors!

Me: Ah. You're the executioner.

J: Mo --- om! That's what I said.

Conversation With a 6-Year-Old: Manoeuvers Edition

A: I'm the second cutest boy in my class.

Me: Really? According to whom?

A: The girls. The cutest boy is really little, though.

Me: I see.

A: Technically, I'm pretty cute. Like, at recess, if I want to stop people from chasing me and prevent attacks on our team, I use The Manoeuver.

Me: What's The Manoeuver?

A: [does passable impression of Puss in Boots doing the big cute eyes in Shrek]

Me: And that stops them cold, does it?

A: Yep - I can stop anyone with The Manoeuver.

[No word yet on when he's gonna drop Magnum on us]

Conversation With a 9-Year-Old: Dress Code Edition

[J is hanging out in the bathroom, watching me put on makeup, I am wearing a wool skirt and a sleeveless blouse]

J: Is that what you're wearing to work?

Me: Yes.

J: I mean ... you look nice ...

Me: Yes...?

J: But, well ... maybe you should wear something with sleeves? I mean, because you might get cold!

Me: I'll be wearing a jacket.

J [exasperated]: I KNOW, but for when you're in the office.

Me: No, I mean I'll be wearing a suit jacket, that goes with this skirt.

J: Oh, okay. Good.

[long pause]

J: Does the jacket have sleeves?

Me: Yes!

Conversation With the Boys: Figures of Speech Edition

Me, in response to a question from one of the boys: Not for all the tea in China.

J: What? What does that mean?

Me: Well, think about it. How much tea is there in China?

J: A lot?

Me: Right. And how much money is that tea worth?

J: Lots?

Me: Right. So if I say I wouldn't do something for all the tea in China, what do you think that means?

J: That you wouldn't do it even for lots of money?

Me: Right. It means that I wouldn't do it for anything.

A: You know, in Canada we should say, "not for all the deer in Canada!"

Me: Okay, here's another expression. What do you think it means to say you are doing something "till the cows come home"?

[long, thinking pause]

J: Until you get milk?

Conversation With a 6-Year-Old: Graffiti Edition

[at Capilano Suspension Bridge]

A [after reading a sign telling visitors not to draw or carve on the handrails]: I will NOT be writing on these railings!

Dad: Good, I should hope not.

A: I didn't bring a marker.

Conversation With a 6-Year-Old: Non Sequitur Edition

Me: What do you want for supper?

A: Nobody knows for sure if there's other life in the universe. They could be so far away that if they sent us a message now, it wouldn't get here for a thousand years, and then I'd be dead.

Conversation With a 6-Year-Old: Wear and Tear Edition

Me: Wow, the gerbils have sure gnawed down that piece of wood.

A: They do it to keep their teeth sharp!

Me: And so their teeth won't grow too long.

A: Yeah, without chewing on the wood, they would become sabertoothed gerbils.