Conversation With The Band: Mash Up Edition

Drummer: We should do that song by The Cars - Just What I Needed.

[Bass player starts playing bass line]

Me: Children be-haaaave, that's what they say when we're together/ And watch how you plaaaaay -

Guitarist: What is that?

Me: Runnin' just as fast as we caaaan, holdin' onto one another's hand .... I think we're alone now -

Guitarist: I think we've heard enough now.


[Seriously, it's pretty much the same bass line. And what's really unfair is that it's actually originally from I Think We're Alone Now, which was written in 1967]

Conversation With a 9-Year-Old: Status Edition

Me: You guys, your dad and I have decided to take you to Legoland for spring break.

[Eruptions of joy]

J [exultantly]: I finally get to go to a LAND!

Me: [gales of laughter]

J: What?! Everyone else goes to lands. DisneyLAND, PlayLAND -- but I don't think anyone in my class has been to LEGOLAND!

Conversation With a 9-Year-Old: Grammar Edition

Me [seeing J's project on "Raccoon's"]: Oh, that apostrophe shouldn't be there.

J: Fine. [erases it sullenly]

Me: No, wait! Let me explain. This is important, and it's a bit tricky, but it's useful to know. Let's write out some sentences. "Bears eat honey" ... no, let's use raccoons. "Raccoons eat ..."

J: ... garbage."


[he caught on to the apostrophe thing pretty quickly, too]

Conversation With a 9-Year-Old: Impossible Dream Edition

J: Mom!!! I have to show you my new project!!!

Me: What is it?

J: I'm training the gerbils!

[He waves his hand over the rubbermaid tub in which the gerbils are located, and one jumps up]

Me: What are you training them to do?

J [picking up a gerbil and making it stand on the edge of a bowl]: I'm training them to be tiny ninjas.

Conversation With a 6-Year-Old: Survival Edition

A: All you need to live is water and food.

Me: Mostly, yes. And air. And not to get too cold.

A: Right. So, all you need is water and air and an animal.

Me: Hmm?

A: Like a cow, or a sheep. They can give you fur and food.

Me: That's true. I think a sheep is better, because they're woolly. So you'd have lots of wool, and you could drink the milk and make cheese and things, and you wouldn't have to kill it.

A: Yep. But you know what would be even better than a sheep? An alpaca.

Me: Really?

A: Yes, because an alpaca is more like a horse. It has a long neck, so you could get it to reach things for ... this is a very well-trained alpaca we're talking about, okay?

Me: Got it.

A: It could reach things down for you. [pause] You'd need cactuses. too.

Me: What for?

A: For your alpaca to eat. So, to survive, you need water and food and air and an animal and food for your animal to eat.

Me: Sounds like you've got it all figured out.

A: Yes, I do.

Conversation With a 6-Year-Old: Gender Stereotype Edition

Me: Now, you should get some sleep.

A: But I don't want the outside of me to be asleep, when the inside of me is sick.

Me: Did you know that sleeping is the time that your body is best at fighting off bugs?

A: Really?

Me: Yes.

A: You, know, I guess girls really do say "fight" sometimes, right?

Me: ... yes? ...

A: It's not just a word for men.

Me: No, fight is absolutely not just a word for men.

Conversation With a 6-Year-Old: What They Don't Know Edition

[We're riding home in a taxi]

A: Taxi drivers get pretty awesome cars.

Me: How so?

A: They have computers in them!

Me: That screen helps them navigate - it helps them to know where they should be going.

A: All cars should have that.

Me: I think a lot of them do.

A: But what cars shouldn't have, is no roof.

Me: Why shouldn't they have no roof?

A: Because if there's no roof, people can see what you have inside.

Me: Like what? Like, if you've got your stuff in the car with you?

A: Like, if the police saw you, and you had an alcohol drink, then if you didn't have a roof they might see you!

Me: Oh, but you should never ever have an alcoholic drink while driving a car. Or before driving a car.

A: Right ... but *if* you did, you wouldn't want the police to see you.

Me: But you wouldn't. Because that would be wrong.

A: Okay, Mom.

[Oh, dear.]

Conversation With the Boys: Comedy Edition

A: You know what would be a good joke?

Me: No, what?

A: There's no more money in the bank! [giggles]

Me: Mmm, that would be funny, if a bank ran out of money.

A: But you know why? Because it's impossible. There's ALWAYS money in the bank!

J: And the banana stand.

[I knew letting them watch Arrested Development would pay off]

Conversation With a 6-Year-Old: Commando Edition

Me: Man, I'd better do laundry tonight. I've exhausted my underwear supply.

A [laughing]: How can anyone be exhausted by underwear!?!

Me: No, it just means that I've run out of clean underwear. So I have to wash my clothes - it's that or go to court with no underwear on tomorrow.

A [after considering this for a moment]: So, which are you going to do?

Conversation Between the Boys: Cover Edition

A [singing to the tune of the William Tell Overture]: Halleloo halleloo halleloo-oo-YAH! (repeated)

[pause]

A: J, do you like that, or do you like it better like this? [sings Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah chorus]

J: I like that better. But would it sound very good if you sang it like this [sings it in a whiny falsetto]? Do you like that?

A: No, but you know what's even worse than that? Is just to do this [chants monotonously] ha-lle-lu-jah-hall-le-lu-jah-ha-lle-lu --

J: Okay, enough, that's bad.

[long, pensive moment]

[J begins singing bass line to Seven Nation Army. A joins in a moment later]

Conversation With an 8-Year-Old: Sentimentality Edition

[I hear weeping from the bedroom and go to investigate]

Me: What's wrong?

J: I am going to miss being 8.

Me: Oh, honey. You know how much I cried when I turned 20?

J: How much?

Me: A lot.

J: Why did you cry?

Me: Because I wasn't a teenager anymore.

J: But, am I going to be in between now?

Me: In between what?

J: You know, in between.

Me: In between 8 and 10?

J: No, like ... not a kid, but not a teenager.

Me: A tween?

J: Yeah.

Me: Oh, no. Not till you're 11. Or at least 10.

J [suspiciously]: Why not?

Me: Gotta get into the double digits to be a tween.

J [relieved]: Oh. Okay.

Me: You know, 9 should be good - you've got lots of friends who are 9.

J: I know. It just hurts my feelings that I can't stay 8.

Conversation With an 8-Year-Old: Self-Regulation Edition

Me [on YouTube]: Check this out! It's called "Who's On First?"

J: What's it about?

Me: It's like that conversation you guys were having about the computer days.

J: Okay, but I can't look! [covers eyes]

Me: Why not?

J: Because I'm grounded from computers!

Me: Oh, right. Good point.

Conversation With the Boys: Abbott and Costello Edition

J: What are your computer days at school?

A: Your computer days.

J: No, not my computer days. What are your computer days?

A: YOUR computer days!

J: No, like my computer days are Monday and Friday. What are your computer days?

A: Monday and Friday.

J: No, I mean -

A: Wehavethesamecomputerdays!!!

J: Oh.

Me [gales of laughter]

A & J [accusingly]: What's so funny!?!

Conversation With a 6-Year-Old: Punishment Edition

[The boys are grounded for general attitude problems]

A [to his father, defiantly]: And your cuddles are grounded for five weeks! NO! For a YEAR!

Conversation With a 6-Year-Old: Terminology Edition

A: Grandpa, cuddles are different from hugs.

Grandpa: Yes, I agree.

A: Because cuddles are longer, and cozier. Hugs are just like this [demonstrates]. But cuddles can go on for a long time. I like cuddles better.

[long pause]

A: Grandpa, what do you like better? Hugs or cuddles?

Grandpa: Definitely cuddles.

A: Yeah, me too.

Conversation With a 6-Year-Old: Grudge Edition

A [after handling a gerbil a little too much and being bitten]: Do you think the gerbil forgives me?

Me: Yes, I'm sure he forgives you.

A [resolutely]: Well, I don't forgive him!

[some hours pass]

A [sitting by the gerbil cage]: I don't forgive you, you know. I'm never going to pick you up again. Even if you are fuzzy.